TPTT All's Well That Ends Well: ACT II
Introduction
ACT I
ACT II
SCENE I. Paris. The KING's palace.
SCENE II. Rousillon. The COUNT's palace.
SCENE III. Paris. The KING's palace.
SCENE IV. Paris. The KING's palace.
SCENE V. Paris. The KING's palace.
ACT III
ACT IV
ACT V
About the Play
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SCENE II. Rousillon. The COUNT's palace.
Enter COUNTESS and Clown
COUNTESS
      Come on, sir; I shall now put you to the height of
      your breeding.
Clown
      I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught: I
      know my business is but to the court.
COUNTESS
5     To the court! why, what place make you special,
      when you put off that with such contempt? But to the court!
Clown
      Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners, he
      may easily put it off at court: he that cannot make
      a leg, put off's cap, kiss his hand and say nothing,
10    has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap; and indeed
      such a fellow, to say precisely, were not for the
      court; but for me, I have an answer will serve all
      men.
COUNTESS
      Marry, that's a bountiful answer that fits all
15    questions.
Clown
      It is like a barber's chair that fits all buttocks,
      the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn
      buttock, or any buttock.
COUNTESS
      Will your answer serve fit to all questions?
Clown
20    As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney,
      as your French crown for your taffeta punk, as Tib's
      rush for Tom's forefinger, as a pancake for Shrove
      Tuesday, a morris for May-day, as the nail to his
      hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding queen
25    to a wrangling knave, as the nun's lip to the
      friar's mouth, nay, as the pudding to his skin.
COUNTESS
      Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness for all
      questions?
Clown
      From below your duke to beneath your constable, it
30    will fit any question.
COUNTESS
      It must be an answer of most monstrous size that
      must fit all demands.
Clown
      But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned
      should speak truth of it: here it is, and all that
35    belongs to't. Ask me if I am a courtier: it shall
      do you no harm to learn.
COUNTESS
      To be young again, if we could: I will be a fool in
      question, hoping to be the wiser by your answer. I
      pray you, sir, are you a courtier?
Clown
40    O Lord, sir! There's a simple putting off. More,
      more, a hundred of them.
COUNTESS
      Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, that loves you.
Clown
      O Lord, sir! Thick, thick, spare not me.
COUNTESS
      I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely meat.
Clown
45    O Lord, sir! Nay, put me to't, I warrant you.
COUNTESS
      You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.
Clown
      O Lord, sir! spare not me.
COUNTESS
      Do you cry, 'O Lord, sir!' at your whipping, and
      'spare not me?' Indeed your 'O Lord, sir!' is very
50    sequent to your whipping: you would answer very well
      to a whipping, if you were but bound to't.
Clown
      I ne'er had worse luck in my life in my 'O Lord,
      sir!' I see things may serve long, but not serve ever.
COUNTESS
      I play the noble housewife with the time
55    To entertain't so merrily with a fool.
Clown
      O Lord, sir! why, there't serves well again.
COUNTESS
      An end, sir; to your business. Give Helen this,
      And urge her to a present answer back:
      Commend me to my kinsmen and my son:
60    This is not much.
Clown
      Not much commendation to them.
COUNTESS
      Not much employment for you: you understand me?
Clown
      Most fruitfully: I am there before my legs.
COUNTESS
      Haste you again.
Exeunt severally
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