TPTT As You Like It: ACT III
Introduction
ACT I
ACT II
ACT III
SCENE I. A room in the palace.
SCENE II. The forest.
SCENE III. The forest.
SCENE IV. The forest.
SCENE V. Another part of the forest.
ACT IV
ACT V
About the Play
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SCENE III. The forest.
Enter TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY; JAQUES behind
TOUCHSTONE
      Come apace, good Audrey: I will fetch up your
      goats, Audrey. And how, Audrey? am I the man yet?
      doth my simple feature content you?
AUDREY
      Your features! Lord warrant us! what features!
TOUCHSTONE
5     I am here with thee and thy goats, as the most
      capricious poet, honest Ovid, was among the Goths.
JAQUES
      (Aside) O knowledge ill-inhabited, worse than Jove
      in a thatched house!
TOUCHSTONE
      When a man's verses cannot be understood, nor a
10    man's good wit seconded with the forward child
      Understanding, it strikes a man more dead than a
      great reckoning in a little room. Truly, I would
      the gods had made thee poetical.
AUDREY
      I do not know what 'poetical' is: is it honest in
15    deed and word? is it a true thing?
TOUCHSTONE
      No, truly; for the truest poetry is the most
      feigning; and lovers are given to poetry, and what
      they swear in poetry may be said as lovers they do feign.
AUDREY
      Do you wish then that the gods had made me poetical?
TOUCHSTONE
20    I do, truly; for thou swearest to me thou art
      honest: now, if thou wert a poet, I might have some
      hope thou didst feign.
AUDREY
      Would you not have me honest?
TOUCHSTONE
      No, truly, unless thou wert hard-favoured; for
25    honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey a sauce to sugar.
JAQUES
      (Aside) A material fool!
AUDREY
      Well, I am not fair; and therefore I pray the gods
      make me honest.
TOUCHSTONE
      Truly, and to cast away honesty upon a foul slut
30    were to put good meat into an unclean dish.
AUDREY
      I am not a slut, though I thank the gods I am foul.
TOUCHSTONE
      Well, praised be the gods for thy foulness!
      sluttishness may come hereafter. But be it as it may
      be, I will marry thee, and to that end I have been
35    with Sir Oliver Martext, the vicar of the next
      village, who hath promised to meet me in this place
      of the forest and to couple us.
JAQUES
      (Aside) I would fain see this meeting.
AUDREY
      Well, the gods give us joy!
TOUCHSTONE
40    Amen. A man may, if he were of a fearful heart,
      stagger in this attempt; for here we have no temple
      but the wood, no assembly but horn-beasts. But what
      though? Courage! As horns are odious, they are
      necessary. It is said, 'many a man knows no end of
45    his goods:' right; many a man has good horns, and
      knows no end of them. Well, that is the dowry of
      his wife; 'tis none of his own getting. Horns?
      Even so. Poor men alone? No, no; the noblest deer
      hath them as huge as the rascal. Is the single man
50    therefore blessed? No: as a walled town is more
      worthier than a village, so is the forehead of a
      married man more honourable than the bare brow of a
      bachelor; and by how much defence is better than no
      skill, by so much is a horn more precious than to
55    want. Here comes Sir Oliver.

Enter SIR OLIVER MARTEXT

      Sir Oliver Martext, you are well met: will you
      dispatch us here under this tree, or shall we go
      with you to your chapel?
SIR OLIVER MARTEXT
      Is there none here to give the woman?
TOUCHSTONE
60    I will not take her on gift of any man.
SIR OLIVER MARTEXT
      Truly, she must be given, or the marriage is not lawful.
JAQUES
      Proceed, proceed I'll give her.
TOUCHSTONE
      Good even, good Master What-ye-call't: how do you,
65    sir? You are very well met: God 'ild you for your
      last company: I am very glad to see you: even a
      toy in hand here, sir: nay, pray be covered.
JAQUES
      Will you be married, motley?
TOUCHSTONE
      As the ox hath his bow, sir, the horse his curb and
70    the falcon her bells, so man hath his desires; and
      as pigeons bill, so wedlock would be nibbling.
JAQUES
      And will you, being a man of your breeding, be
      married under a bush like a beggar? Get you to
      church, and have a good priest that can tell you
75    what marriage is: this fellow will but join you
      together as they join wainscot; then one of you will
      prove a shrunk panel and, like green timber, warp, warp.
TOUCHSTONE
      (Aside) I am not in the mind but I were better to be
      married of him than of another: for he is not like
80    to marry me well; and not being well married, it
      will be a good excuse for me hereafter to leave my wife.
JAQUES
      Go thou with me, and let me counsel thee.
TOUCHSTONE
      'Come, sweet Audrey:
      We must be married, or we must live in bawdry.
85    Farewell, good Master Oliver: not,--
      O sweet Oliver,
      O brave Oliver,
      Leave me not behind thee: but,--
      Wind away,
90    Begone, I say,
      I will not to wedding with thee.
Exeunt JAQUES, TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY
SIR OLIVER MARTEXT
      'Tis no matter: ne'er a fantastical knave of them
      all shall flout me out of my calling.
Exit
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