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| SCENE IV. The Boar's-Head Tavern, Eastcheap. |
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Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Ned, prithee, come out of that fat room, and lend me
thy hand to laugh a little.
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| POINS |
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Where hast been, Hal?
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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With three or four loggerheads amongst three or four
5 score hogsheads. I have sounded the very
base-string of humility. Sirrah, I am sworn brother
to a leash of drawers; and can call them all by
their christen names, as Tom, Dick, and Francis.
They take it already upon their salvation, that
10 though I be but the prince of Wales, yet I am king
of courtesy; and tell me flatly I am no proud Jack,
like Falstaff, but a Corinthian, a lad of mettle, a
good boy, by the Lord, so they call me, and when I
am king of England, I shall command all the good
15 lads in Eastcheap. They call drinking deep, dyeing
scarlet; and when you breathe in your watering, they
cry 'hem!' and bid you play it off. To conclude, I
am so good a proficient in one quarter of an hour,
that I can drink with any tinker in his own language
20 during my life. I tell thee, Ned, thou hast lost
much honour, that thou wert not with me in this sweet
action. But, sweet Ned,--to sweeten which name of
Ned, I give thee this pennyworth of sugar, clapped
even now into my hand by an under-skinker, one that
25 never spake other English in his life than 'Eight
shillings and sixpence' and 'You are welcome,' with
this shrill addition, 'Anon, anon, sir! Score a pint
of bastard in the Half-Moon,' or so. But, Ned, to
drive away the time till Falstaff come, I prithee,
30 do thou stand in some by-room, while I question my
puny drawer to what end he gave me the sugar; and do
thou never leave calling 'Francis,' that his tale
to me may be nothing but 'Anon.' Step aside, and
I'll show thee a precedent.
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| POINS |
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35 Francis!
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Thou art perfect.
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| POINS |
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Francis!
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Exit POINS
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Enter FRANCIS
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| FRANCIS |
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Anon, anon, sir. Look down into the Pomgarnet, Ralph.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Come hither, Francis.
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| FRANCIS |
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40 My lord?
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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How long hast thou to serve, Francis?
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| FRANCIS |
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Forsooth, five years, and as much as to--
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| POINS |
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(Within)
Francis!
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| FRANCIS |
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Anon, anon, sir.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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45 Five year! by'r lady, a long lease for the clinking
of pewter. But, Francis, darest thou be so valiant
as to play the coward with thy indenture and show it
a fair pair of heels and run from it?
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| FRANCIS |
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O Lord, sir, I'll be sworn upon all the books in
50 England, I could find in my heart.
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| POINS |
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(Within)
Francis!
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| FRANCIS |
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Anon, sir.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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How old art thou, Francis?
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| FRANCIS |
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Let me see--about Michaelmas next I shall be--
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| POINS |
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55 (Within)
Francis!
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| FRANCIS |
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Anon, sir. Pray stay a little, my lord.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Nay, but hark you, Francis: for the sugar thou
gavest me,'twas a pennyworth, wast't not?
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| FRANCIS |
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O Lord, I would it had been two!
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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60 I will give thee for it a thousand pound: ask me
when thou wilt, and thou shalt have it.
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| POINS |
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(Within)
Francis!
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| FRANCIS |
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Anon, anon.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Anon, Francis? No, Francis; but to-morrow, Francis;
65 or, Francis, o' Thursday; or indeed, Francis, when
thou wilt. But, Francis!
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| FRANCIS |
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My lord?
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Wilt thou rob this leathern jerkin, crystal-button,
not-pated, agate-ring, puke-stocking, caddis-garter,
70 smooth-tongue, Spanish-pouch,--
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| FRANCIS |
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O Lord, sir, who do you mean?
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Why, then, your brown bastard is your only drink;
for look you, Francis, your white canvas doublet
will sully: in Barbary, sir, it cannot come to so much.
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| FRANCIS |
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75 What, sir?
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| POINS |
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(Within)
Francis!
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Away, you rogue! dost thou not hear them call?
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Here they both call him; the drawer stands amazed, not knowing which way to go
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Enter Vintner
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| Vintner |
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What, standest thou still, and hearest such a
calling? Look to the guests within.
Exit Francis
80 My lord, old Sir John, with half-a-dozen more, are
at the door: shall I let them in?
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Let them alone awhile, and then open the door.
Exit Vintner
Poins!
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Re-enter POINS
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| POINS |
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Anon, anon, sir.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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85 Sirrah, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are at
the door: shall we be merry?
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| POINS |
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As merry as crickets, my lad. But hark ye; what
cunning match have you made with this jest of the
drawer? come, what's the issue?
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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90 I am now of all humours that have showed themselves
humours since the old days of goodman Adam to the
pupil age of this present twelve o'clock at midnight.
Re-enter FRANCIS
What's o'clock, Francis?
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| FRANCIS |
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Anon, anon, sir.
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Exit
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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95 That ever this fellow should have fewer words than a
parrot, and yet the son of a woman! His industry is
upstairs and downstairs; his eloquence the parcel of
a reckoning. I am not yet of Percy's mind, the
Hotspur of the north; he that kills me some six or
100 seven dozen of Scots at a breakfast, washes his
hands, and says to his wife 'Fie upon this quiet
life! I want work.' 'O my sweet Harry,' says she,
'how many hast thou killed to-day?' 'Give my roan
horse a drench,' says he; and answers 'Some
105 fourteen,' an hour after; 'a trifle, a trifle.' I
prithee, call in Falstaff: I'll play Percy, and
that damned brawn shall play Dame Mortimer his
wife. 'Rivo!' says the drunkard. Call in ribs, call in tallow.
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Enter FALSTAFF, GADSHILL, BARDOLPH, and PETO; FRANCIS following with wine
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| POINS |
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Welcome, Jack: where hast thou been?
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| FALSTAFF |
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110 A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too!
marry, and amen! Give me a cup of sack, boy. Ere I
lead this life long, I'll sew nether stocks and mend
them and foot them too. A plague of all cowards!
Give me a cup of sack, rogue. Is there no virtue extant?
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He drinks
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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115 Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of butter?
pitiful-hearted Titan, that melted at the sweet tale
of the sun's! if thou didst, then behold that compound.
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| FALSTAFF |
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You rogue, here's lime in this sack too: there is
nothing but roguery to be found in villanous man:
120 yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime
in it. A villanous coward! Go thy ways, old Jack;
die when thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be
not forgot upon the face of the earth, then am I a
shotten herring. There live not three good men
125 unhanged in England; and one of them is fat and
grows old: God help the while! a bad world, I say.
I would I were a weaver; I could sing psalms or any
thing. A plague of all cowards, I say still.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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How now, wool-sack! what mutter you?
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| FALSTAFF |
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130 A king's son! If I do not beat thee out of thy
kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy
subjects afore thee like a flock of wild-geese,
I'll never wear hair on my face more. You Prince of Wales!
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Why, you whoreson round man, what's the matter?
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| FALSTAFF |
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135 Are not you a coward? answer me to that: and Poins there?
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| POINS |
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'Zounds, ye fat paunch, an ye call me coward, by the
Lord, I'll stab thee.
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| FALSTAFF |
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I call thee coward! I'll see thee damned ere I call
thee coward: but I would give a thousand pound I
140 could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight
enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees your
back: call you that backing of your friends? A
plague upon such backing! give me them that will
face me. Give me a cup of sack: I am a rogue, if I
145 drunk to-day.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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O villain! thy lips are scarce wiped since thou
drunkest last.
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| FALSTAFF |
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All's one for that.
He drinks
A plague of all cowards, still say I.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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150 What's the matter?
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| FALSTAFF |
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What's the matter! there be four of us here have
ta'en a thousand pound this day morning.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Where is it, Jack? where is it?
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| FALSTAFF |
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Where is it! taken from us it is: a hundred upon
155 poor four of us.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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What, a hundred, man?
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| FALSTAFF |
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I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword with a
dozen of them two hours together. I have 'scaped by
miracle. I am eight times thrust through the
160 doublet, four through the hose; my buckler cut
through and through; my sword hacked like a
hand-saw--ecce signum! I never dealt better since
I was a man: all would not do. A plague of all
cowards! Let them speak: if they speak more or
165 less than truth, they are villains and the sons of darkness.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Speak, sirs; how was it?
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| GADSHILL |
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We four set upon some dozen--
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| FALSTAFF |
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Sixteen at least, my lord.
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| GADSHILL |
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And bound them.
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| PETO |
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170 No, no, they were not bound.
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| FALSTAFF |
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You rogue, they were bound, every man of them; or I
am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew.
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| GADSHILL |
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As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us--
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| FALSTAFF |
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And unbound the rest, and then come in the other.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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175 What, fought you with them all?
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| FALSTAFF |
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All! I know not what you call all; but if I fought
not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish: if
there were not two or three and fifty upon poor old
Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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180 Pray God you have not murdered some of them.
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| FALSTAFF |
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Nay, that's past praying for: I have peppered two
of them; two I am sure I have paid, two rogues
in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell
thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse. Thou
185 knowest my old ward; here I lay and thus I bore my
point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me--
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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What, four? thou saidst but two even now.
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| FALSTAFF |
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Four, Hal; I told thee four.
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| POINS |
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Ay, ay, he said four.
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| FALSTAFF |
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190 These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust at
me. I made me no more ado but took all their seven
points in my target, thus.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Seven? why, there were but four even now.
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| FALSTAFF |
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In buckram?
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| POINS |
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195 Ay, four, in buckram suits.
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| FALSTAFF |
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Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Prithee, let him alone; we shall have more anon.
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| FALSTAFF |
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Dost thou hear me, Hal?
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.
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| FALSTAFF |
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200 Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine
in buckram that I told thee of--
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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So, two more already.
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| FALSTAFF |
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Their points being broken,--
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| POINS |
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Down fell their hose.
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| FALSTAFF |
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205 Began to give me ground: but I followed me close,
came in foot and hand; and with a thought seven of
the eleven I paid.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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O monstrous! eleven buckram men grown out of two!
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| FALSTAFF |
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But, as the devil would have it, three misbegotten
210 knaves in Kendal green came at my back and let drive
at me; for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst
not see thy hand.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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These lies are like their father that begets them;
gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou
215 clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou
whoreson, obscene, grease tallow-catch,--
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| FALSTAFF |
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What, art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the truth
the truth?
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal
220 green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy
hand? come, tell us your reason: what sayest thou to this?
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| POINS |
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Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
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| FALSTAFF |
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What, upon compulsion? 'Zounds, an I were at the
strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would
225 not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on
compulsion! If reasons were as plentiful as
blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon
compulsion, I.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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I'll be no longer guilty of this sin; this sanguine
230 coward, this bed-presser, this horseback-breaker,
this huge hill of flesh,--
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| FALSTAFF |
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'Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried
neat's tongue, you bull's pizzle, you stock-fish! O
for breath to utter what is like thee! you
235 tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bowcase; you vile
standing-tuck,--
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again: and
when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons,
hear me speak but this.
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| POINS |
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240 Mark, Jack.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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We two saw you four set on four and bound them, and
were masters of their wealth. Mark now, how a plain
tale shall put you down. Then did we two set on you
four; and, with a word, out-faced you from your
245 prize, and have it; yea, and can show it you here in
the house: and, Falstaff, you carried your guts
away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and roared
for mercy and still run and roared, as ever I heard
bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy sword
250 as thou hast done, and then say it was in fight!
What trick, what device, what starting-hole, canst
thou now find out to hide thee from this open and
apparent shame?
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| POINS |
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Come, let's hear, Jack; what trick hast thou now?
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| FALSTAFF |
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255 By the Lord, I knew ye as well as he that made ye.
Why, hear you, my masters: was it for me to kill the
heir-apparent? should I turn upon the true prince?
why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules: but
beware instinct; the lion will not touch the true
260 prince. Instinct is a great matter; I was now a
coward on instinct. I shall think the better of
myself and thee during my life; I for a valiant
lion, and thou for a true prince. But, by the Lord,
lads, I am glad you have the money. Hostess, clap
265 to the doors: watch to-night, pray to-morrow.
Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles
of good fellowship come to you! What, shall we be
merry? shall we have a play extempore?
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Content; and the argument shall be thy running away.
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| FALSTAFF |
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270 Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!
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Enter Hostess
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| Hostess |
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O Jesu, my lord the prince!
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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How now, my lady the hostess! what sayest thou to
me?
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| Hostess |
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Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at
275 door would speak with you: he says he comes from
your father.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and
send him back again to my mother.
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| FALSTAFF |
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What manner of man is he?
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| Hostess |
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280 An old man.
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| FALSTAFF |
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What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall
I give him his answer?
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Prithee, do, Jack.
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| FALSTAFF |
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'Faith, and I'll send him packing.
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Exit FALSTAFF
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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285 Now, sirs: by'r lady, you fought fair; so did you,
Peto; so did you, Bardolph: you are lions too, you
ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true
prince; no, fie!
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| BARDOLPH |
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'Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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290 'Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff's
sword so hacked?
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| PETO |
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Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he would
swear truth out of England but he would make you
believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.
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| BARDOLPH |
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295 Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to
make them bleed, and then to beslubber our garments
with it and swear it was the blood of true men. I
did that I did not this seven year before, I blushed
to hear his monstrous devices.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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300 O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years
ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since
thou hast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and
sword on thy side, and yet thou rannest away: what
instinct hadst thou for it?
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| BARDOLPH |
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305 My lord, do you see these meteors? do you behold
these exhalations?
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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I do.
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| BARDOLPH |
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What think you they portend?
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Hot livers and cold purses.
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| BARDOLPH |
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310 Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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No, if rightly taken, halter.
Re-enter FALSTAFF
Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone.
How now, my sweet creature of bombast!
How long is't ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?
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| FALSTAFF |
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315 My own knee! when I was about thy years, Hal, I was
not an eagle's talon in the waist; I could have
crept into any alderman's thumb-ring: a plague of
sighing and grief! it blows a man up like a
bladder. There's villanous news abroad: here was
320 Sir John Bracy from your father; you must to the
court in the morning. That same mad fellow of the
north, Percy, and he of Wales, that gave Amamon the
bastinado and made Lucifer cuckold and swore the
devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh
325 hook--what a plague call you him?
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| POINS |
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O, Glendower.
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| FALSTAFF |
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Owen, Owen, the same; and his son-in-law Mortimer,
and old Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot of
Scots, Douglas, that runs o' horseback up a hill
330 perpendicular,--
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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He that rides at high speed and with his pistol
kills a sparrow flying.
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| FALSTAFF |
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You have hit it.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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So did he never the sparrow.
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| FALSTAFF |
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335 Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him; he will not run.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Why, what a rascal art thou then, to praise him so
for running!
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| FALSTAFF |
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O' horseback, ye cuckoo; but afoot he will not budge a foot.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
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| FALSTAFF |
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340 I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too,
and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more:
Worcester is stolen away to-night; thy father's
beard is turned white with the news: you may buy
land now as cheap as stinking mackerel.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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345 Why, then, it is like, if there come a hot June and
this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads
as they buy hob-nails, by the hundreds.
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| FALSTAFF |
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By the mass, lad, thou sayest true; it is like we
shall have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal,
350 art not thou horrible afeard? thou being
heir-apparent, could the world pick thee out three
such enemies again as that fiend Douglas, that
spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? Art thou
not horribly afraid? doth not thy blood thrill at
355 it?
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Not a whit, i' faith; I lack some of thy instinct.
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| FALSTAFF |
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Well, thou wert be horribly chid tomorrow when thou
comest to thy father: if thou love me, practise an answer.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Do thou stand for my father, and examine me upon the
360 particulars of my life.
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| FALSTAFF |
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Shall I? content: this chair shall be my state,
this dagger my sceptre, and this cushion my crown.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Thy state is taken for a joined-stool, thy golden
sceptre for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich
365 crown for a pitiful bald crown!
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| FALSTAFF |
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Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee,
now shalt thou be moved. Give me a cup of sack to
make my eyes look red, that it may be thought I have
wept; for I must speak in passion, and I will do it
370 in King Cambyses' vein.
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| PRINCE HENRY |
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Well, here is my leg.
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| FALSTAFF |
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And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.
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| Hostess |
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O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i' faith!
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| FALSTAFF |
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Weep not, sweet queen; for trickling tears are vain.
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| Hostess |
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375 O, the father, how he holds his countenance!
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| FALSTAFF |
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For God's sake, lords, convey my tristful queen;
For tears do stop the flood-gates of her eyes.
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| Hostess |
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O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry
players as ever I see!
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| FALSTAFF |
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380 Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain.
Harry, I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy
time, but also how thou art accompanied: for though
the camomile, the more it is trodden on the faster
it grows, yet youth, the more it is wasted the
385 sooner it wears. That thou art my son, I have
partly thy mother | |
