TPTT The First Part of Henry the Fourth: ACT III
Introduction
ACT I
ACT II
ACT III
SCENE I. Bangor. The Archdeacon's house.
SCENE II. London. The palace.
Scene III Eastcheap. The Boar's-Head Tavern.
ACT IV
ACT V
About the Play
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Scene III Eastcheap. The Boar's-Head Tavern.
Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
      Bardolph, am I not fallen away vilely since this last
      action? do I not bate? do I not dwindle? Why my
      skin hangs about me like an like an old lady's loose
      gown; I am withered like an old apple-john. Well,
5     I'll repent, and that suddenly, while I am in some
      liking; I shall be out of heart shortly, and then I
      shall have no strength to repent. An I have not
      forgotten what the inside of a church is made of, I
      am a peppercorn, a brewer's horse: the inside of a
10    church! Company, villanous company, hath been the
      spoil of me.
BARDOLPH
      Sir John, you are so fretful, you cannot live long.
FALSTAFF
      Why, there is it: come sing me a bawdy song; make
      me merry. I was as virtuously given as a gentleman
15    need to be; virtuous enough; swore little; diced not
      above seven times a week; went to a bawdy-house once
      in a quarter--of an hour; paid money that I
      borrowed, three of four times; lived well and in
      good compass: and now I live out of all order, out
20    of all compass.
BARDOLPH
      Why, you are so fat, Sir John, that you must needs
      be out of all compass, out of all reasonable
      compass, Sir John.
FALSTAFF
      Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life:
25    thou art our admiral, thou bearest the lantern in
      the poop, but 'tis in the nose of thee; thou art the
      Knight of the Burning Lamp.
BARDOLPH
      Why, Sir John, my face does you no harm.
FALSTAFF
      No, I'll be sworn; I make as good use of it as many
30    a man doth of a Death's-head or a memento mori: I
      never see thy face but I think upon hell-fire and
      Dives that lived in purple; for there he is in his
      robes, burning, burning. If thou wert any way
      given to virtue, I would swear by thy face; my oath
35    should be 'By this fire, that's God's angel:' but
      thou art altogether given over; and wert indeed, but
      for the light in thy face, the son of utter
      darkness. When thou rannest up Gadshill in the
      night to catch my horse, if I did not think thou
40    hadst been an ignis fatuus or a ball of wildfire,
      there's no purchase in money. O, thou art a
      perpetual triumph, an everlasting bonfire-light!
      Thou hast saved me a thousand marks in links and
      torches, walking with thee in the night betwixt
45    tavern and tavern: but the sack that thou hast
      drunk me would have bought me lights as good cheap
      at the dearest chandler's in Europe. I have
      maintained that salamander of yours with fire any
      time this two and thirty years; God reward me for
50    it!
BARDOLPH
      'Sblood, I would my face were in your belly!
FALSTAFF
      God-a-mercy! so should I be sure to be heart-burned.

Enter Hostess

      How now, Dame Partlet the hen! have you inquired
      yet who picked my pocket?
Hostess
55    Why, Sir John, what do you think, Sir John? do you
      think I keep thieves in my house? I have searched,
      I have inquired, so has my husband, man by man, boy
      by boy, servant by servant: the tithe of a hair
      was never lost in my house before.
FALSTAFF
60    Ye lie, hostess: Bardolph was shaved and lost many
      a hair; and I'll be sworn my pocket was picked. Go
      to, you are a woman, go.
Hostess
      Who, I? no; I defy thee: God's light, I was never
      called so in mine own house before.
FALSTAFF
65    Go to, I know you well enough.
Hostess
      No, Sir John; You do not know me, Sir John. I know
      you, Sir John: you owe me money, Sir John; and now
      you pick a quarrel to beguile me of it: I bought
      you a dozen of shirts to your back.
FALSTAFF
70    Dowlas, filthy dowlas: I have given them away to
      bakers' wives, and they have made bolters of them.
Hostess
      Now, as I am a true woman, holland of eight
      shillings an ell. You owe money here besides, Sir
      John, for your diet and by-drinkings, and money lent
75    you, four and twenty pound.
FALSTAFF
      He had his part of it; let him pay.
Hostess
      He? alas, he is poor; he hath nothing.
FALSTAFF
      How! poor? look upon his face; what call you rich?
      let them coin his nose, let them coin his cheeks:
80    Ill not pay a denier. What, will you make a younker
      of me? shall I not take mine case in mine inn but I
      shall have my pocket picked? I have lost a
      seal-ring of my grandfather's worth forty mark.
Hostess
      O Jesu, I have heard the prince tell him, I know not
85    how oft, that ring was copper!
FALSTAFF
      How! the prince is a Jack, a sneak-cup: 'sblood, an
      he were here, I would cudgel him like a dog, if he
      would say so.

Enter PRINCE HENRY and PETO, marching, and FALSTAFF meets them playing on his truncheon like a life

      How now, lad! is the wind in that door, i' faith?
90    must we all march?
BARDOLPH
      Yea, two and two, Newgate fashion.
Hostess
      My lord, I pray you, hear me.
PRINCE HENRY
      What sayest thou, Mistress Quickly? How doth thy
      husband? I love him well; he is an honest man.
Hostess
95    Good my lord, hear me.
FALSTAFF
      Prithee, let her alone, and list to me.
PRINCE HENRY
      What sayest thou, Jack?
FALSTAFF
      The other night I fell asleep here behind the arras
      and had my pocket picked: this house is turned
100   bawdy-house; they pick pockets.
PRINCE HENRY
      What didst thou lose, Jack?
FALSTAFF
      Wilt thou believe me, Hal? three or four bonds of
      forty pound apiece, and a seal-ring of my
      grandfather's.
PRINCE HENRY
105   A trifle, some eight-penny matter.
Hostess
      So I told him, my lord; and I said I heard your
      grace say so: and, my lord, he speaks most vilely
      of you, like a foul-mouthed man as he is; and said
      he would cudgel you.
PRINCE HENRY
110   What! he did not?
Hostess
      There's neither faith, truth, nor womanhood in me else.
FALSTAFF
      There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed
      prune; nor no more truth in thee than in a drawn
      fox; and for womanhood, Maid Marian may be the
115   deputy's wife of the ward to thee. Go, you thing,
      go
Hostess
      Say, what thing? what thing?
FALSTAFF
      What thing! why, a thing to thank God on.
Hostess
      I am no thing to thank God on, I would thou
120   shouldst know it; I am an honest man's wife: and,
      setting thy knighthood aside, thou art a knave to
      call me so.
FALSTAFF
      Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say
      otherwise.
Hostess
125   Say, what beast, thou knave, thou?
FALSTAFF
      What beast! why, an otter.
PRINCE HENRY
      An otter, Sir John! Why an otter?
FALSTAFF
      Why, she's neither fish nor flesh; a man knows not
      where to have her.
Hostess
130   Thou art an unjust man in saying so: thou or any
      man knows where to have me, thou knave, thou!
PRINCE HENRY
      Thou sayest true, hostess; and he slanders thee most grossly.
Hostess
      So he doth you, my lord; and said this other day you
      ought him a thousand pound.
PRINCE HENRY
135   Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pound?
FALSTAFF
      A thousand pound, Ha! a million: thy love is worth
      a million: thou owest me thy love.
Hostess
      Nay, my lord, he called you Jack, and said he would
      cudgel you.
FALSTAFF
140   Did I, Bardolph?
BARDOLPH
      Indeed, Sir John, you said so.
FALSTAFF
      Yea, if he said my ring was copper.
PRINCE HENRY
      I say 'tis copper: darest thou be as good as thy word now?
FALSTAFF
      Why, Hal, thou knowest, as thou art but man, I dare:
145   but as thou art prince, I fear thee as I fear the
      roaring of a lion's whelp.
PRINCE HENRY
      And why not as the lion?
FALSTAFF
      The king is to be feared as the lion: dost thou
      think I'll fear thee as I fear thy father? nay, an
150   I do, I pray God my girdle break.
PRINCE HENRY
      O, if it should, how would thy guts fall about thy
      knees! But, sirrah, there's no room for faith,
      truth, nor honesty in this bosom of thine; it is all
      filled up with guts and midriff. Charge an honest
155   woman with picking thy pocket! why, thou whoreson,
      impudent, embossed rascal, if there were anything in
      thy pocket but tavern-reckonings, memorandums of
      bawdy-houses, and one poor penny-worth of
      sugar-candy to make thee long-winded, if thy pocket
160   were enriched with any other injuries but these, I
      am a villain: and yet you will stand to if; you will
      not pocket up wrong: art thou not ashamed?
FALSTAFF
      Dost thou hear, Hal? thou knowest in the state of
      innocency Adam fell; and what should poor Jack
165   Falstaff do in the days of villany? Thou seest I
      have more flesh than another man, and therefore more
      frailty. You confess then, you picked my pocket?
PRINCE HENRY
      It appears so by the story.
FALSTAFF
      Hostess, I forgive thee: go, make ready breakfast;
170   love thy husband, look to thy servants, cherish thy
      guests: thou shalt find me tractable to any honest
      reason: thou seest I am pacified still. Nay,
      prithee, be gone.

Exit Hostess

      Now Hal, to the news at court: for the robbery,
175   lad, how is that answered?
PRINCE HENRY
      O, my sweet beef, I must still be good angel to
      thee: the money is paid back again.
FALSTAFF
      O, I do not like that paying back; 'tis a double labour.
PRINCE HENRY
      I am good friends with my father and may do any thing.
FALSTAFF
180   Rob me the exchequer the first thing thou doest, and
      do it with unwashed hands too.
BARDOLPH
      Do, my lord.
PRINCE HENRY
      I have procured thee, Jack, a charge of foot.
FALSTAFF
      I would it had been of horse. Where shall I find
185   one that can steal well? O for a fine thief, of the
      age of two and twenty or thereabouts! I am
      heinously unprovided. Well, God be thanked for
      these rebels, they offend none but the virtuous: I
      laud them, I praise them.
PRINCE HENRY
190   Bardolph!
BARDOLPH
      My lord?
PRINCE HENRY
      Go bear this letter to Lord John of Lancaster, to my
      brother John; this to my Lord of Westmoreland.

Exit Bardolph

      Go, Peto, to horse, to horse; for thou and I have
195   thirty miles to ride yet ere dinner time.

Exit Peto

      Jack, meet me to-morrow in the temple hall at two
      o'clock in the afternoon.
      There shalt thou know thy charge; and there receive
      Money and order for their furniture.
200   The land is burning; Percy stands on high;
      And either we or they must lower lie.
Exit PRINCE HENRY
FALSTAFF
      Rare words! brave world! Hostess, my breakfast, come!
      O, I could wish this tavern were my drum!
Exit
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