TPTT Love's Labour's Lost: ACT IV
Introduction
ACT I
ACT II
ACT III
ACT IV
SCENE I. The same.
SCENE II. The same.
SCENE III. The same.
ACT V
About the Play
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SCENE I. The same.
Enter the PRINCESS, and her train, a Forester, BOYET, ROSALINE, MARIA, and KATHARINE
PRINCESS
      Was that the king, that spurred his horse so hard
      Against the steep uprising of the hill?
BOYET
      I know not; but I think it was not he.
PRINCESS
      Whoe'er a' was, a' show'd a mounting mind.
5     Well, lords, to-day we shall have our dispatch:
      On Saturday we will return to France.
      Then, forester, my friend, where is the bush
      That we must stand and play the murderer in?
Forester
      Hereby, upon the edge of yonder coppice;
10    A stand where you may make the fairest shoot.
PRINCESS
      I thank my beauty, I am fair that shoot,
      And thereupon thou speak'st the fairest shoot.
Forester
      Pardon me, madam, for I meant not so.
PRINCESS
      What, what? first praise me and again say no?
15    O short-lived pride! Not fair? alack for woe!
Forester
      Yes, madam, fair.
PRINCESS
      Nay, never paint me now:
      Where fair is not, praise cannot mend the brow.
      Here, good my glass, take this for telling true:
20    Fair payment for foul words is more than due.
Forester
      Nothing but fair is that which you inherit.
PRINCESS
      See see, my beauty will be saved by merit!
      O heresy in fair, fit for these days!
      A giving hand, though foul, shall have fair praise.
25    But come, the bow: now mercy goes to kill,
      And shooting well is then accounted ill.
      Thus will I save my credit in the shoot:
      Not wounding, pity would not let me do't;
      If wounding, then it was to show my skill,
30    That more for praise than purpose meant to kill.
      And out of question so it is sometimes,
      Glory grows guilty of detested crimes,
      When, for fame's sake, for praise, an outward part,
      We bend to that the working of the heart;
35    As I for praise alone now seek to spill
      The poor deer's blood, that my heart means no ill.
BOYET
      Do not curst wives hold that self-sovereignty
      Only for praise sake, when they strive to be
      Lords o'er their lords?
PRINCESS
40    Only for praise: and praise we may afford
      To any lady that subdues a lord.
BOYET
      Here comes a member of the commonwealth.
Enter COSTARD
COSTARD
      God dig-you-den all! Pray you, which is the head lady?
PRINCESS
      Thou shalt know her, fellow, by the rest that have no heads.
COSTARD
45    Which is the greatest lady, the highest?
PRINCESS
      The thickest and the tallest.
COSTARD
      The thickest and the tallest! it is so; truth is truth.
      An your waist, mistress, were as slender as my wit,
      One o' these maids' girdles for your waist should be fit.
50    Are not you the chief woman? you are the thickest here.
PRINCESS
      What's your will, sir? what's your will?
COSTARD
      I have a letter from Monsieur Biron to one Lady Rosaline.
PRINCESS
      O, thy letter, thy letter! he's a good friend of mine:
      Stand aside, good bearer. Boyet, you can carve;
55    Break up this capon.
BOYET
      I am bound to serve.
      This letter is mistook, it importeth none here;
      It is writ to Jaquenetta.
PRINCESS
      We will read it, I swear.
60    Break the neck of the wax, and every one give ear.
Reads
BOYET
      'By heaven, that thou art fair, is most infallible;
      true, that thou art beauteous; truth itself, that
      thou art lovely. More fairer than fair, beautiful
      than beauteous, truer than truth itself, have
65    commiseration on thy heroical vassal! The
      magnanimous and most illustrate king Cophetua set
      eye upon the pernicious and indubitate beggar
      Zenelophon; and he it was that might rightly say,
      Veni, vidi, vici; which to annothanize in the
70    vulgar,--O base and obscure vulgar!--videlicet, He
      came, saw, and overcame: he came, one; saw two;
      overcame, three. Who came? the king: why did he
      come? to see: why did he see? to overcome: to
      whom came he? to the beggar: what saw he? the
75    beggar: who overcame he? the beggar. The
      conclusion is victory: on whose side? the king's.
      The captive is enriched: on whose side? the
      beggar's. The catastrophe is a nuptial: on whose
      side? the king's: no, on both in one, or one in
80    both. I am the king; for so stands the comparison:
      thou the beggar; for so witnesseth thy lowliness.
      Shall I command thy love? I may: shall I enforce
      thy love? I could: shall I entreat thy love? I
      will. What shalt thou exchange for rags? robes;
85    for tittles? titles; for thyself? me. Thus,
      expecting thy reply, I profane my lips on thy foot,
      my eyes on thy picture. and my heart on thy every
      part. Thine, in the dearest design of industry,
      DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO.'
90    Thus dost thou hear the Nemean lion roar
      'Gainst thee, thou lamb, that standest as his prey.
      Submissive fall his princely feet before,
      And he from forage will incline to play:
      But if thou strive, poor soul, what art thou then?
95    Food for his rage, repasture for his den.
PRINCESS
      What plume of feathers is he that indited this letter?
      What vane? what weathercock? did you ever hear better?
BOYET
      I am much deceived but I remember the style.
PRINCESS
      Else your memory is bad, going o'er it erewhile.
BOYET
100   This Armado is a Spaniard, that keeps here in court;
      A phantasime, a Monarcho, and one that makes sport
      To the prince and his bookmates.
PRINCESS
      Thou fellow, a word:
      Who gave thee this letter?
COSTARD
105   I told you; my lord.
PRINCESS
      To whom shouldst thou give it?
COSTARD
      From my lord to my lady.
PRINCESS
      From which lord to which lady?
COSTARD
      From my lord Biron, a good master of mine,
110   To a lady of France that he call'd Rosaline.
PRINCESS
      Thou hast mistaken his letter. Come, lords, away.

To ROSALINE

      Here, sweet, put up this: 'twill be thine another day.
Exeunt PRINCESS and train
BOYET
      Who is the suitor? who is the suitor?
ROSALINE
      Shall I teach you to know?
BOYET
115   Ay, my continent of beauty.
ROSALINE
      Why, she that bears the bow.
      Finely put off!
BOYET
      My lady goes to kill horns; but, if thou marry,
      Hang me by the neck, if horns that year miscarry.
120   Finely put on!
ROSALINE
      Well, then, I am the shooter.
BOYET
      And who is your deer?
ROSALINE
      If we choose by the horns, yourself come not near.
      Finely put on, indeed!
MARIA
125   You still wrangle with her, Boyet, and she strikes
      at the brow.
BOYET
      But she herself is hit lower: have I hit her now?
ROSALINE
      Shall I come upon thee with an old saying, that was
      a man when King Pepin of France was a little boy, as
130   touching the hit it?
BOYET
      So I may answer thee with one as old, that was a
      woman when Queen Guinover of Britain was a little
      wench, as touching the hit it.
ROSALINE
      Thou canst not hit it, hit it, hit it,
135   Thou canst not hit it, my good man.
BOYET
      An I cannot, cannot, cannot,
      An I cannot, another can.
Exeunt ROSALINE and KATHARINE
COSTARD
      By my troth, most pleasant: how both did fit it!
MARIA
      A mark marvellous well shot, for they both did hit it.
BOYET
140   A mark! O, mark but that mark! A mark, says my lady!
      Let the mark have a prick in't, to mete at, if it may be.
MARIA
      Wide o' the bow hand! i' faith, your hand is out.
COSTARD
      Indeed, a' must shoot nearer, or he'll ne'er hit the clout.
BOYET
      An if my hand be out, then belike your hand is in.
COSTARD
145   Then will she get the upshoot by cleaving the pin.
MARIA
      Come, come, you talk greasily; your lips grow foul.
COSTARD
      She's too hard for you at pricks, sir: challenge her to bowl.
BOYET
      I fear too much rubbing. Good night, my good owl.
Exeunt BOYET and MARIA
COSTARD
      By my soul, a swain! a most simple clown!
150   Lord, Lord, how the ladies and I have put him down!
      O' my troth, most sweet jests! most incony
      vulgar wit!
      When it comes so smoothly off, so obscenely, as it
      were, so fit.
155   Armado o' th' one side,--O, a most dainty man!
      To see him walk before a lady and to bear her fan!
      To see him kiss his hand! and how most sweetly a'
      will swear!
      And his page o' t' other side, that handful of wit!
160   Ah, heavens, it is a most pathetical nit!
      Sola, sola!
Shout within
Exit COSTARD, running
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