TPTT The Merry Wives of Windsor: ACT I
Introduction
ACT I
SCENE I. Windsor. Before PAGE's house.
SCENE II. The same.
SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn.
SCENE IV. A room in DOCTOR CAIUS' house.
ACT II
ACT III
ACT IV
ACT V
About the Play
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SCENE I. Windsor. Before PAGE's house.
Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS
SHALLOW
      Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-
      chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John
      Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
SLENDER
      In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and
5     'Coram.'
SHALLOW
      Ay, cousin Slender, and 'Custalourum.
SLENDER
      Ay, and 'Rato-lorum' too; and a gentleman born,
      master parson; who writes himself 'Armigero,' in any
      bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, 'Armigero.'
SHALLOW
10    Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three
      hundred years.
SLENDER
      All his successors gone before him hath done't; and
      all his ancestors that come after him may: they may
      give the dozen white luces in their coat.
SHALLOW
15    It is an old coat.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      The dozen white louses do become an old coat well;
      it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to
      man, and signifies love.
SHALLOW
      The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.
SLENDER
20    I may quarter, coz.
SHALLOW
      You may, by marrying.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
SHALLOW
      Not a whit.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Yes, py'r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat,
25    there is but three skirts for yourself, in my
      simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir
      John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto
      you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my
      benevolence to make atonements and compremises
30    between you.
SHALLOW
      The council shall bear it; it is a riot.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is no
      fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall
      desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a
35    riot; take your vizaments in that.
SHALLOW
      Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword
      should end it.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it:
      and there is also another device in my prain, which
40    peradventure prings goot discretions with it: there
      is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas
      Page, which is pretty virginity.
SLENDER
      Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks
      small like a woman.
SIR HUGH EVANS
45    It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as
      you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys,
      and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his
      death's-bed--Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!
      --give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years
50    old: it were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles
      and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master
      Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
SLENDER
      Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
SLENDER
55    I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.
SHALLOW
      Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do
      despise one that is false, or as I despise one that
60    is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I
      beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will
      peat the door for Master Page.

Knocks

      What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
PAGE
      (Within) Who's there?
Enter PAGE
SIR HUGH EVANS
65    Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice
      Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that
      peradventures shall tell you another tale, if
      matters grow to your likings.
PAGE
      I am glad to see your worships well.
70    I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW
      Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it
      your good heart! I wished your venison better; it
      was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?--and I
      thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.
PAGE
75    Sir, I thank you.
SHALLOW
      Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
PAGE
      I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
SLENDER
      How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he
      was outrun on Cotsall.
PAGE
80    It could not be judged, sir.
SLENDER
      You'll not confess, you'll not confess.
SHALLOW
      That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your fault;
      'tis a good dog.
PAGE
      A cur, sir.
SHALLOW
85    Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog: can there be
      more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John
      Falstaff here?
PAGE
      Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good
      office between you.
SIR HUGH EVANS
90    It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
SHALLOW
      He hath wronged me, Master Page.
PAGE
      Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
SHALLOW
      If it be confessed, it is not redress'd: is not that
      so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he
95    hath, at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert
      Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged.
PAGE
      Here comes Sir John.
Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL
FALSTAFF
      Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the king?
SHALLOW
      Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and
100   broke open my lodge.
FALSTAFF
      But not kissed your keeper's daughter?
SHALLOW
      Tut, a pin! this shall be answered.
FALSTAFF
      I will answer it straight; I have done all this.
      That is now answered.
SHALLOW
105   The council shall know this.
FALSTAFF
      'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel:
      you'll be laughed at.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.
FALSTAFF
      Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your
110   head: what matter have you against me?
SLENDER
      Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you;
      and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,
      Nym, and Pistol.
BARDOLPH
      You Banbury cheese!
SLENDER
115   Ay, it is no matter.
PISTOL
      How now, Mephostophilus!
SLENDER
      Ay, it is no matter.
NYM
      Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that's my humour.
SLENDER
      Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
SIR HUGH EVANS
120   Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is
      three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that
      is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is
      myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is,
      lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.
PAGE
125   We three, to hear it and end it between them.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-
      book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with
      as great discreetly as we can.
FALSTAFF
      Pistol!
PISTOL
130   He hears with ears.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'He
      hears with ear'? why, it is affectations.
FALSTAFF
      Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?
SLENDER
      Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might
135   never come in mine own great chamber again else, of
      seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward
      shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two
      pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
FALSTAFF
      Is this true, Pistol?
SIR HUGH EVANS
140   No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
PISTOL
      Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master mine,
      I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
      Word of denial in thy labras here!
      Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!
SLENDER
145   By these gloves, then, 'twas he.
NYM
      Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say
      'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's
      humour on me; that is the very note of it.
SLENDER
      By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for
150   though I cannot remember what I did when you made me
      drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
FALSTAFF
      What say you, Scarlet and John?
BARDOLPH
      Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunk
      himself out of his five sentences.
SIR HUGH EVANS
155   It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!
BARDOLPH
      And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and
      so conclusions passed the careires.
SLENDER
      Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no
      matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again,
160   but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick:
      if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have
      the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
FALSTAFF
      You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following
PAGE
165   Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.
Exit ANNE PAGE
SLENDER
      O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.
PAGE
      How now, Mistress Ford!
FALSTAFF
      Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met:
      by your leave, good mistress.
Kisses her
PAGE
170   Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a
      hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope
      we shall drink down all unkindness.
Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS
SLENDER
      I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of
      Songs and Sonnets here.

Enter SIMPLE

175   How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait
      on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles
      about you, have you?
SIMPLE
      Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice
      Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight
180   afore Michaelmas?
SHALLOW
      Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with
      you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a
      tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh
      here. Do you understand me?
SLENDER
185   Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so,
      I shall do that that is reason.
SHALLOW
      Nay, but understand me.
SLENDER
      So I do, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will
190   description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
SLENDER
      Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray
      you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his
      country, simple though I stand here.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      But that is not the question: the question is
195   concerning your marriage.
SHALLOW
      Ay, there's the point, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.
SLENDER
      Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any
      reasonable demands.
SIR HUGH EVANS
200   But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command to
      know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers
      philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the
      mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your
      good will to the maid?
SHALLOW
205   Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
SLENDER
      I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that
      would do reason.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak
      possitable, if you can carry her your desires
210   towards her.
SHALLOW
      That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?
SLENDER
      I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
      request, cousin, in any reason.
SHALLOW
      Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I do
215   is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?
SLENDER
      I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if there
      be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may
      decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are
      married and have more occasion to know one another;
220   I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt:
      but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry her; that
      I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in
      the ort 'dissolutely:' the ort is, according to our
225   meaning, 'resolutely:' his meaning is good.
SHALLOW
      Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
SLENDER
      Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!
SHALLOW
      Here comes fair Mistress Anne.

Re-enter ANNE PAGE

      Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!
ANNE PAGE
230   The dinner is on the table; my father desires your
      worships' company.
SHALLOW
      I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.
Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR HUGH EVANS
ANNE PAGE
      Will't please your worship to come in, sir?
SLENDER
235   No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.
ANNE PAGE
      The dinner attends you, sir.
SLENDER
      I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,
      sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my
      cousin Shallow.

Exit SIMPLE

240   A justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his
      friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy
      yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? Yet I
      live like a poor gentleman born.
ANNE PAGE
      I may not go in without your worship: they will not
245   sit till you come.
SLENDER
      I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as
      though I did.
ANNE PAGE
      I pray you, sir, walk in.
SLENDER
      I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised
250   my shin th' other day with playing at sword and
      dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a
      dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot
      abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your
      dogs bark so? be there bears i' the town?
ANNE PAGE
255   I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.
SLENDER
      I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel at
      it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see
      the bear loose, are you not?
ANNE PAGE
      Ay, indeed, sir.
SLENDER
260   That's meat and drink to me, now. I have seen
      Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by
      the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so
      cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women,
      indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favored
265   rough things.
Re-enter PAGE
PAGE
      Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.
SLENDER
      I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
PAGE
      By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.
SLENDER
      Nay, pray you, lead the way.
PAGE
270   Come on, sir.
SLENDER
      Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
ANNE PAGE
      Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.
SLENDER
      I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.
      You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
Exeunt
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