TPTT The Merry Wives of Windsor: ACT I
Introduction
ACT I
SCENE I. Windsor. Before PAGE's house.
SCENE II. The same.
SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn.
SCENE IV. A room in DOCTOR CAIUS' house.
ACT II
ACT III
ACT IV
ACT V
About the Play
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SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN
FALSTAFF
      Mine host of the Garter!
Host
      What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.
FALSTAFF
      Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my
      followers.
Host
5     Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.
FALSTAFF
      I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host
      Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I
      will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall
      tap: said I well, bully Hector?
FALSTAFF
10    Do so, good mine host.
Host
      I have spoke; let him follow.

To BARDOLPH

      Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow.
Exit
FALSTAFF
      Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade:
      an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered
15    serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
BARDOLPH
      It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.
PISTOL
      O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?
Exit BARDOLPH
NYM
      He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited?
FALSTAFF
      I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his
20    thefts were too open; his filching was like an
      unskilful singer; he kept not time.
NYM
      The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.
PISTOL
      'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a fico
      for the phrase!
FALSTAFF
25    Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
PISTOL
      Why, then, let kibes ensue.
FALSTAFF
      There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
PISTOL
      Young ravens must have food.
FALSTAFF
      Which of you know Ford of this town?
PISTOL
30    I ken the wight: he is of substance good.
FALSTAFF
      My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
PISTOL
      Two yards, and more.
FALSTAFF
      No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two
      yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about
35    thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's
      wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,
      she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I
      can construe the action of her familiar style; and
      the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
40    rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'
PISTOL
      He hath studied her will, and translated her will,
      out of honesty into English.
NYM
      The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?
FALSTAFF
      Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her
45    husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels.
PISTOL
      As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.
NYM
      The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.
FALSTAFF
      I have writ me here a letter to her: and here
      another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good
50    eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious
      oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my
      foot, sometimes my portly belly.
PISTOL
      Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
NYM
      I thank thee for that humour.
FALSTAFF
55    O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a
      greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did
      seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's
      another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she
      is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will
60    be cheater to them both, and they shall be
      exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
      Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
      this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to
      Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
PISTOL
65    Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
      And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
NYM
      I will run no base humour: here, take the
      humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.
FALSTAFF
      (To ROBIN) Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
70    Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
      Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
      Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack!
      Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,
      French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.
Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN
PISTOL
75    Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
      And high and low beguiles the rich and poor:
      Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
      Base Phrygian Turk!
NYM
      I have operations which be humours of revenge.
PISTOL
80    Wilt thou revenge?
NYM
      By welkin and her star!
PISTOL
      With wit or steel?
NYM
      With both the humours, I:
      I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
PISTOL
85    And I to Ford shall eke unfold
      How Falstaff, varlet vile,
      His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
      And his soft couch defile.
NYM
      My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to
90    deal with poison; I will possess him with
      yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous:
      that is my true humour.
PISTOL
      Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.
Exeunt
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