TPTT The Merry Wives of Windsor: ACT II
Introduction
ACT I
ACT II
SCENE I. Before PAGE'S house.
SCENE II. A room in the Garter Inn.
SCENE III. A field near Windsor.
ACT III
ACT IV
ACT V
About the Play
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SCENE I. Before PAGE'S house.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter
MISTRESS PAGE
      What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-
      time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them?
      Let me see.

Reads

      'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though
5     Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him
      not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more
      am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry,
      so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: you
      love sack, and so do I; would you desire better
10    sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--at
      the least, if the love of soldier can suffice,--
      that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tis
      not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me,
      Thine own true knight,
15    By day or night,
      Or any kind of light,
      With all his might
      For thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF'
      What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked
20    world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with
      age to show himself a young gallant! What an
      unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard
      picked--with the devil's name!--out of my
      conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?
25    Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What
      should I say to him? I was then frugal of my
      mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill
      in the parliament for the putting down of men. How
      shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be,
30    as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
Enter MISTRESS FORD
MISTRESS FORD
      Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.
MISTRESS PAGE
      And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very
      ill.
MISTRESS FORD
      Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.
MISTRESS PAGE
35    Faith, but you do, in my mind.
MISTRESS FORD
      Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to the
      contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!
MISTRESS PAGE
      What's the matter, woman?
MISTRESS FORD
      O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I
40    could come to such honour!
MISTRESS PAGE
      Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What is
      it? dispense with trifles; what is it?
MISTRESS FORD
      If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,
      I could be knighted.
MISTRESS PAGE
45    What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights
      will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the
      article of thy gentry.
MISTRESS FORD
      We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I
      might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat
50    men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of
      men's liking: and yet he would not swear; praised
      women's modesty; and gave such orderly and
      well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I
      would have sworn his disposition would have gone to
55    the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere
      and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to
      the tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow,
      threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his
      belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged
60    on him? I think the best way were to entertain him
      with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted
      him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
MISTRESS PAGE
      Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and
      Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery
65    of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy
      letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I
      protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a
      thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for
      different names--sure, more,--and these are of the
70    second edition: he will print them, out of doubt;
      for he cares not what he puts into the press, when
      he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,
      and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you
      twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
MISTRESS FORD
75    Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very
      words. What doth he think of us?
MISTRESS PAGE
      Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to
      wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain
      myself like one that I am not acquainted withal;
80    for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I
      know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
MISTRESS FORD
      'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him
      above deck.
MISTRESS PAGE
      So will I if he come under my hatches, I'll never
85    to sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let's
      appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in
      his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay,
      till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.
MISTRESS FORD
      Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him,
90    that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O,
      that my husband saw this letter! it would give
      eternal food to his jealousy.
MISTRESS PAGE
      Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he's
      as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause;
95    and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.
MISTRESS FORD
      You are the happier woman.
MISTRESS PAGE
      Let's consult together against this greasy knight.
      Come hither.
They retire
Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYM
FORD
      Well, I hope it be not so.
PISTOL
100   Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:
      Sir John affects thy wife.
FORD
      Why, sir, my wife is not young.
PISTOL
      He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,
      Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
105   He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.
FORD
      Love my wife!
PISTOL
      With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,
      Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:
      O, odious is the name!
FORD
110   What name, sir?
PISTOL
      The horn, I say. Farewell.
      Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night:
      Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.
      Away, Sir Corporal Nym!
115   Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
Exit
FORD
      (Aside) I will be patient; I will find out this.
NYM
      (To PAGE) And this is true; I like not the humour
      of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I
      should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I
120   have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity.
      He loves your wife; there's the short and the long.
      My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tis
      true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife.
      Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese,
125   and there's the humour of it. Adieu.
Exit
PAGE
      'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellow
      frights English out of his wits.
FORD
      I will seek out Falstaff.
PAGE
      I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
FORD
130   If I do find it: well.
PAGE
      I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest
      o' the town commended him for a true man.
FORD
      'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
PAGE
      How now, Meg!
MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward
MISTRESS PAGE
135   Whither go you, George? Hark you.
MISTRESS FORD
      How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?
FORD
      I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.
MISTRESS FORD
      Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now,
      will you go, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE
140   Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George.

Aside to MISTRESS FORD

      Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger
      to this paltry knight.
MISTRESS FORD
      (Aside to MISTRESS PAGE) Trust me, I thought on her:
      she'll fit it.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
MISTRESS PAGE
145   You are come to see my daughter Anne?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?
MISTRESS PAGE
      Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk with
      you.
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY
PAGE
      How now, Master Ford!
FORD
150   You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
PAGE
      Yes: and you heard what the other told me?
FORD
      Do you think there is truth in them?
PAGE
      Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would
      offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent
155   towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men;
      very rogues, now they be out of service.
FORD
      Were they his men?
PAGE
      Marry, were they.
FORD
      I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at
160   the Garter?
PAGE
      Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage
      towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and
      what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it
      lie on my head.
FORD
165   I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to
      turn them together. A man may be too confident: I
      would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.
PAGE
      Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes:
      there is either liquor in his pate or money in his
170   purse when he looks so merrily.

Enter Host

      How now, mine host!
Host
      How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman.
      Cavaleiro-justice, I say!
Enter SHALLOW
SHALLOW
      I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and
175   twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go
      with us? we have sport in hand.
Host
      Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
SHALLOW
      Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh
      the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
FORD
180   Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.
Drawing him aside
Host
      What sayest thou, my bully-rook?
SHALLOW
      (To PAGE) Will you go with us to behold it? My
      merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons;
      and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places;
185   for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.
      Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
They converse apart
Host
      Hast thou no suit against my knight, my
      guest-cavaleire?
FORD
      None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of
190   burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him
      my name is Brook; only for a jest.
Host
      My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;
      --said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It is
      a merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?
SHALLOW
195   Have with you, mine host.
PAGE
      I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in
      his rapier.
SHALLOW
      Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times
      you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and
200   I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis
      here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long
      sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
Host
      Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?
PAGE
      Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.
Exeunt Host, SHALLOW, and PAGE
FORD
205   Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmly
      on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my
      opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page's
      house; and what they made there, I know not. Well,
      I will look further into't: and I have a disguise
210   to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not
      my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.
Exit
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