The Merry Wives of Windsor: ACT III , SCENE III. A room in FORD'S house.

The Merry Wives of Windsor: ACT III


	Introduction

	ACT I

	ACT II

	ACT III

		SCENE I. A field near Frogmore.

		SCENE II. A street.

		SCENE III. A room in FORD'S house.

		SCENE IV. A room in PAGE'S house.

		SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn.

	ACT IV

	ACT V

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SCENE III. A room in FORD'S house.

Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS FORD

What, John! What, Robert!

MISTRESS PAGE

Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket--

MISTRESS FORD

I warrant. What, Robin, I say!

Enter Servants with a basket

MISTRESS PAGE

Come, come, come.

MISTRESS FORD

5 Here, set it down.

MISTRESS PAGE

Give your men the charge; we must be brief.

MISTRESS FORD

      Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be
      ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I
      suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause
10    or staggering take this basket on your shoulders:
      that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry
      it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there
      empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.

MISTRESS PAGE

You will do it?

MISTRESS FORD

15 I ha' told them over and over; they lack no
direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.

Exeunt Servants

MISTRESS PAGE

Here comes little Robin.

Enter ROBIN

MISTRESS FORD

How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?

ROBIN

My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,
20 Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

MISTRESS PAGE

You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?

ROBIN

      Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your
      being here and hath threatened to put me into
      everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he
25    swears he'll turn me away.

MISTRESS PAGE

      Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be
      a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet
      and hose. I'll go hide me.

MISTRESS FORD

Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.

Exit ROBIN

30 Mistress Page, remember you your cue.

MISTRESS PAGE

I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.

Exit

MISTRESS FORD

      Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity,
      this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to know
      turtles from jays.

Enter FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF

35    Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let
      me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the
      period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!

MISTRESS FORD

O sweet Sir John!

FALSTAFF

      Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,
40    Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would
      thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before the
      best lord; I would make thee my lady.

MISTRESS FORD

I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady!

FALSTAFF

      Let the court of France show me such another. I see
45    how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast
      the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the
      ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of
      Venetian admittance.

MISTRESS FORD

A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing
50 else; nor that well neither.

FALSTAFF

      By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou
      wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm
      fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion
      to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see
55    what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature
      thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.

MISTRESS FORD

Believe me, there is no such thing in me.

FALSTAFF

      What made me love thee? let that persuade thee
      there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I
60    cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a
      many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like
      women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury
      in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; none
      but thee; and thou deservest it.

MISTRESS FORD

65 Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.

FALSTAFF

      Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the
      Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek
      of a lime-kiln.

MISTRESS FORD

Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one
70 day find it.

FALSTAFF

Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.

MISTRESS FORD

Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not
be in that mind.

ROBIN

      (Within) Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's
75    Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and
      looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.

FALSTAFF

She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras.

MISTRESS FORD

Pray you, do so: she's a very tattling woman.

FALSTAFF hides himself

Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN

What's the matter? how now!

MISTRESS PAGE

80 O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed,
you're overthrown, you're undone for ever!

MISTRESS FORD

What's the matter, good Mistress Page?

MISTRESS PAGE

O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man
to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!

MISTRESS FORD

85 What cause of suspicion?

MISTRESS PAGE

What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am I
mistook in you!

MISTRESS FORD

Why, alas, what's the matter?

MISTRESS PAGE

      Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the
90    officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that
      he says is here now in the house by your consent, to
      take an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone.

MISTRESS FORD

'Tis not so, I hope.

MISTRESS PAGE

      Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man
95    here! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming,
      with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a
      one. I come before to tell you. If you know
      yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you
      have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be not
100   amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your
      reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.

MISTRESS FORD

      What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear
      friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his
      peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were
105   out of the house.

MISTRESS PAGE

      For shame! never stand 'you had rather' and 'you
      had rather:' your husband's here at hand, bethink
      you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot
      hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here
110   is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he
      may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as
      if it were going to bucking: or--it is whiting-time
      --send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.

MISTRESS FORD

He's too big to go in there. What shall I do?

FALSTAFF

115   (Coming forward) Let me see't, let me see't, O, let
      me see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend's
      counsel. I'll in.

MISTRESS PAGE

What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?

FALSTAFF

I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.
120 I'll never--

Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen

MISTRESS PAGE

Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,
Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!

MISTRESS FORD

What, John! Robert! John!

Exit ROBIN

Re-enter Servants

      Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the
125   cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to
      the laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come.

Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

FORD

      Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause,
      why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest;
      I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this?

Servant

130 To the laundress, forsooth.

MISTRESS FORD

Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You
were best meddle with buck-washing.

FORD

      Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck!
      Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck;
135   and of the season too, it shall appear.

Exeunt Servants with the basket

      Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my
      dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my
      chambers; search, seek, find out: I'll warrant
      we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.

Locking the door

140 So, now uncape.

PAGE

Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.

FORD

True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall see
sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.

Exit

SIR HUGH EVANS

This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.

DOCTOR CAIUS

145 By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not
jealous in France.

PAGE

Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.

Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

MISTRESS PAGE

Is there not a double excellency in this?

MISTRESS FORD

I know not which pleases me better, that my husband
150 is deceived, or Sir John.

MISTRESS PAGE

What a taking was he in when your husband asked who
was in the basket!

MISTRESS FORD

I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so
throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.

MISTRESS PAGE

155 Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same
strain were in the same distress.

MISTRESS FORD

      I think my husband hath some special suspicion of
      Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross
      in his jealousy till now.

MISTRESS PAGE

160   I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have
      more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will
      scarce obey this medicine.

MISTRESS FORD

      Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress
      Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the
165   water; and give him another hope, to betray him to
      another punishment?

MISTRESS PAGE

We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow,
eight o'clock, to have amends.

Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

FORD

I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that
170 he could not compass.

MISTRESS PAGE

(Aside to MISTRESS FORD) Heard you that?

MISTRESS FORD

You use me well, Master Ford, do you?

FORD

Ay, I do so.

MISTRESS FORD

Heaven make you better than your thoughts!

FORD

175 Amen!

MISTRESS PAGE

You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.

FORD

Ay, ay; I must bear it.

SIR HUGH EVANS

      If there be any pody in the house, and in the
      chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,
180   heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!

DOCTOR CAIUS

By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.

PAGE

      Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? What
      spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I
      would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the
185   wealth of Windsor Castle.

FORD

'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.

SIR HUGH EVANS

      You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as
      honest a 'omans as I will desires among five
      thousand, and five hundred too.

DOCTOR CAIUS

190 By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.

FORD

      Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in
      the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter
      make known to you why I have done this. Come,
      wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me;
195   pray heartily, pardon me.

PAGE

      Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock
      him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house
      to breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; I
      have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?

FORD

200 Any thing.

SIR HUGH EVANS

If there is one, I shall make two in the company.

DOCTOR CAIUS

If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.

FORD

Pray you, go, Master Page.

SIR HUGH EVANS

I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy
205 knave, mine host.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart!

SIR HUGH EVANS

A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!

Exeunt

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