TPTT The Merry Wives of Windsor: ACT IV
Introduction
ACT I
ACT II
ACT III
ACT IV
SCENE I. A street.
SCENE II. A room in FORD'S house.
SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn.
SCENE IV. A room in FORD'S house.
SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn.
SCENE VI. Another room in the Garter Inn.
ACT V
About the Play
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SCENE II. A room in FORD'S house.
Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD
FALSTAFF
      Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my
      sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love,
      and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not
      only, Mistress Ford, in the simple
5     office of love, but in all the accoutrement,
      complement and ceremony of it. But are you
      sure of your husband now?
MISTRESS FORD
      He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE
      (Within) What, ho, gossip Ford! what, ho!
MISTRESS FORD
10    Step into the chamber, Sir John.
Exit FALSTAFF
Enter MISTRESS PAGE
MISTRESS PAGE
      How now, sweetheart! who's at home besides yourself?
MISTRESS FORD
      Why, none but mine own people.
MISTRESS PAGE
      Indeed!
MISTRESS FORD
      No, certainly.

Aside to her

15    Speak louder.
MISTRESS PAGE
      Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
MISTRESS FORD
      Why?
MISTRESS PAGE
      Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again:
      he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails
20    against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's
      daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets
      himself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peer
      out!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but
      tameness, civility and patience, to this his
25    distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here.
MISTRESS FORD
      Why, does he talk of him?
MISTRESS PAGE
      Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the
      last time he searched for him, in a basket; protests
      to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and
30    the rest of their company from their sport, to make
      another experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad
      the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.
MISTRESS FORD
      How near is he, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE
      Hard by; at street end; he will be here anon.
MISTRESS FORD
35    I am undone! The knight is here.
MISTRESS PAGE
      Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a dead
      man. What a woman are you!--Away with him, away
      with him! better shame than murder.
FORD
      Which way should be go? how should I bestow him?
40    Shall I put him into the basket again?
Re-enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF
      No, I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not go
      out ere he come?
MISTRESS PAGE
      Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the door
      with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise
45    you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?
FALSTAFF
      What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.
MISTRESS FORD
      There they always use to discharge their
      birding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole.
FALSTAFF
      Where is it?
MISTRESS FORD
50    He will seek there, on my word. Neither press,
      coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an
      abstract for the remembrance of such places, and
      goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.
FALSTAFF
      I'll go out then.
MISTRESS PAGE
55    If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir
      John. Unless you go out disguised--
MISTRESS FORD
      How might we disguise him?
MISTRESS PAGE
      Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gown
      big enough for him otherwise he might put on a hat,
60    a muffler and a kerchief, and so escape.
FALSTAFF
      Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather
      than a mischief.
MISTRESS FORD
      My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a
      gown above.
MISTRESS PAGE
65    On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he
      is: and there's her thrummed hat and her muffler
      too. Run up, Sir John.
MISTRESS FORD
      Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will
      look some linen for your head.
MISTRESS PAGE
70    Quick, quick! we'll come dress you straight: put
      on the gown the while.
Exit FALSTAFF
MISTRESS FORD
      I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he
      cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears
      she's a witch; forbade her my house and hath
75    threatened to beat her.
MISTRESS PAGE
      Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and the
      devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
MISTRESS FORD
      But is my husband coming?
MISTRESS PAGE
      Ah, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket
80    too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
MISTRESS FORD
      We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the
      basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as
      they did last time.
MISTRESS PAGE
      Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him
85    like the witch of Brentford.
MISTRESS FORD
      I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the
      basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight.
Exit
MISTRESS PAGE
      Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.
      We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
90    Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:
      We do not act that often jest and laugh;
      'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff.
Exit
Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants
MISTRESS FORD
      Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders:
      your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it
95    down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
Exit
First Servant
      Come, come, take it up.
Second Servant
      Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
First Servant
      I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead.
Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
FORD
      Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any
100   way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket,
      villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket!
      O you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, a
      pack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devil
      be shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!
105   Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching!
PAGE
      Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go
      loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog!
SHALLOW
      Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
FORD
110   So say I too, sir.

Re-enter MISTRESS FORD

      Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford the honest
      woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that
      hath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect
      without cause, mistress, do I?
MISTRESS FORD
115   Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in
      any dishonesty.
FORD
      Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah!
Pulling clothes out of the basket
PAGE
      This passes!
MISTRESS FORD
      Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone.
FORD
120   I shall find you anon.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your wife's
      clothes? Come away.
FORD
      Empty the basket, I say!
MISTRESS FORD
      Why, man, why?
FORD
125   Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
      out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may
      not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is:
      my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable.
      Pluck me out all the linen.
MISTRESS FORD
130   If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death.
PAGE
      Here's no man.
SHALLOW
      By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this
      wrongs you.
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
135   imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.
FORD
      Well, he's not here I seek for.
PAGE
      No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
FORD
      Help to search my house this one time. If I find
      not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let
140   me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of
      me, 'As jealous as Ford, Chat searched a hollow
      walnut for his wife's leman.' Satisfy me once more;
      once more search with me.
MISTRESS FORD
      What, ho, Mistress Page! come you and the old woman
145   down; my husband will come into the chamber.
FORD
      Old woman! what old woman's that?
MISTRESS FORD
      Nay, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.
FORD
      A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not
      forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does
150   she? We are simple men; we do not know what's
      brought to pass under the profession of
      fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells,
      by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond
      our element we know nothing. Come down, you witch,
155   you hag, you; come down, I say!
MISTRESS FORD
      Nay, good, sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him
      not strike the old woman.
Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE
MISTRESS PAGE
      Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand.
FORD
      I'll prat her.

Beating him

160   Out of my door, you witch, you hag, you baggage, you
      polecat, you runyon! out, out! I'll conjure you,
      I'll fortune-tell you.
Exit FALSTAFF
MISTRESS PAGE
      Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the
      poor woman.
MISTRESS FORD
165   Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you.
FORD
      Hang her, witch!
SIR HUGH EVANS
      By the yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch
      indeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great peard;
      I spy a great peard under his muffler.
FORD
170   Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow;
      see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out thus
      upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.
PAGE
      Let's obey his humour a little further: come,
      gentlemen.
Exeunt FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
MISTRESS PAGE
175   Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
MISTRESS FORD
      Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most
      unpitifully, methought.
MISTRESS PAGE
      I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er the
      altar; it hath done meritorious service.
MISTRESS FORD
180   What think you? may we, with the warrant of
      womanhood and the witness of a good conscience,
      pursue him with any further revenge?
MISTRESS PAGE
      The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of
      him: if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with
185   fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the
      way of waste, attempt us again.
MISTRESS FORD
      Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?
MISTRESS PAGE
      Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the
      figures out of your husband's brains. If they can
190   find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight
      shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be
      the ministers.
MISTRESS FORD
      I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed: and
      methinks there would be no period to the jest,
195   should he not be publicly shamed.
MISTRESS PAGE
      Come, to the forge with it then; shape it: I would
      not have things cool.
Exeunt
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