TPTT The Merry Wives of Windsor: ACT IV
Introduction
ACT I
ACT II
ACT III
ACT IV
SCENE I. A street.
SCENE II. A room in FORD'S house.
SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn.
SCENE IV. A room in FORD'S house.
SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn.
SCENE VI. Another room in the Garter Inn.
ACT V
About the Play
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SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter Host and SIMPLE
Host
      What wouldst thou have, boor? what: thick-skin?
      speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
SIMPLE
      Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
      from Master Slender.
Host
5     There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his
      standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about
      with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go
      knock and call; hell speak like an Anthropophaginian
      unto thee: knock, I say.
SIMPLE
10    There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his
      chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come
      down; I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host
      Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll
      call. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak from
15    thy lungs military: art thou there? it is thine
      host, thine Ephesian, calls.
FALSTAFF
      (Above) How now, mine host!
Host
      Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of
      thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her
20    descend; my chambers are honourable: fie! privacy?
      fie!
Enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF
      There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with
      me; but she's gone.
SIMPLE
      Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
25    Brentford?
FALSTAFF
      Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?
SIMPLE
      My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing
      her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether
      one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the
30    chain or no.
FALSTAFF
      I spake with the old woman about it.
SIMPLE
      And what says she, I pray, sir?
FALSTAFF
      Marry, she says that the very same man that
      beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of
35    it.
SIMPLE
      I would I could have spoken with the woman herself;
      I had other things to have spoken with her too from
      him.
FALSTAFF
      What are they? let us know.
Host
40    Ay, come; quick.
SIMPLE
      I may not conceal them, sir.
Host
      Conceal them, or thou diest.
SIMPLE
      Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne
      Page; to know if it were my master's fortune to
45    have her or no.
FALSTAFF
      'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
SIMPLE
      What, sir?
FALSTAFF
      To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.
SIMPLE
      May I be bold to say so, sir?
FALSTAFF
50    Ay, sir; like who more bold.
SIMPLE
      I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad
      with these tidings.
Exit
Host
      Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
      there a wise woman with thee?
FALSTAFF
55    Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught
      me more wit than ever I learned before in my life;
      and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for
      my learning.
Enter BARDOLPH
BARDOLPH
      Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!
Host
60    Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.
BARDOLPH
      Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came
      beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of
      them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away,
      like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
Host
65    They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not
      say they be fled; Germans are honest men.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Where is mine host?
Host
      What is the matter, sir?
SIR HUGH EVANS
      Have a care of your entertainments: there is a
70    friend of mine come to town tells me there is three
      cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of
      Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and
      money. I tell you for good will, look you: you
      are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and
75    'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.
Exit
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
DOCTOR CAIUS
      Vere is mine host de Jarteer?
Host
      Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.
DOCTOR CAIUS
      I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me dat
      you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: by
80    my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know to
      come. I tell you for good vill: adieu.
Exit
Host
      Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I am
      undone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!
Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
      I would all the world might be cozened; for I have
85    been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to
      the ear of the court, how I have been transformed
      and how my transformation hath been washed and
      cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by
      drop and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant
90    they would whip me with their fine wits till I were
      as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered
      since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my
      wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

      Now, whence come you?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
95    From the two parties, forsooth.
FALSTAFF
      The devil take one party and his dam the other! and
      so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more
      for their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancy
      of man's disposition is able to bear.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
100   And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;
      speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart,
      is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a
      white spot about her.
FALSTAFF
      What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was
105   beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;
      and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
      Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit,
      my counterfeiting the action of an old woman,
      delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' the
110   stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
      Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you
      shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your
      content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
      hearts, what ado here is to bring you together!
115   Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that
      you are so crossed.
FALSTAFF
      Come up into my chamber.
Exeunt
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