Much Ado about Nothing: ACT II , SCENE I. A hall in LEONATO'S house.

Much Ado about Nothing: ACT II


	Introduction

	ACT I

	ACT II

		SCENE I. A hall in LEONATO'S house.

		SCENE II. The same.

		SCENE III. LEONATO'S orchard.

	ACT III

	ACT IV

	ACT V

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SCENE I. A hall in LEONATO'S house.

Enter LEONATO, ANTONIO, HERO, BEATRICE, and others

LEONATO

Was not Count John here at supper?

ANTONIO

I saw him not.

BEATRICE

How tartly that gentleman looks! I never can see
him but I am heart-burned an hour after.

HERO

5 He is of a very melancholy disposition.

BEATRICE

      He were an excellent man that were made just in the
      midway between him and Benedick: the one is too
      like an image and says nothing, and the other too
      like my lady's eldest son, evermore tattling.

LEONATO

10    Then half Signior Benedick's tongue in Count John's
      mouth, and half Count John's melancholy in Signior
      Benedick's face,--

BEATRICE

      With a good leg and a good foot, uncle, and money
      enough in his purse, such a man would win any woman
15    in the world, if a' could get her good-will.

LEONATO

By my troth, niece, thou wilt never get thee a
husband, if thou be so shrewd of thy tongue.

ANTONIO

In faith, she's too curst.

BEATRICE

      Too curst is more than curst: I shall lessen God's
20    sending that way; for it is said, 'God sends a curst
      cow short horns;' but to a cow too curst he sends none.

LEONATO

So, by being too curst, God will send you no horns.

BEATRICE

      Just, if he send me no husband; for the which
      blessing I am at him upon my knees every morning and
25    evening. Lord, I could not endure a husband with a
      beard on his face: I had rather lie in the woollen.

LEONATO

You may light on a husband that hath no beard.

BEATRICE

      What should I do with him? dress him in my apparel
      and make him my waiting-gentlewoman? He that hath a
30    beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no
      beard is less than a man: and he that is more than
      a youth is not for me, and he that is less than a
      man, I am not for him: therefore, I will even take
      sixpence in earnest of the bear-ward, and lead his
35    apes into hell.

LEONATO

Well, then, go you into hell?

BEATRICE

      No, but to the gate; and there will the devil meet
      me, like an old cuckold, with horns on his head, and
      say 'Get you to heaven, Beatrice, get you to
40    heaven; here's no place for you maids:' so deliver
      I up my apes, and away to Saint Peter for the
      heavens; he shows me where the bachelors sit, and
      there live we as merry as the day is long.

ANTONIO

(To HERO) Well, niece, I trust you will be ruled
45 by your father.

BEATRICE

      Yes, faith; it is my cousin's duty to make curtsy
      and say 'Father, as it please you.' But yet for all
      that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else
      make another curtsy and say 'Father, as it please
50    me.'

LEONATO

Well, niece, I hope to see you one day fitted with a husband.

BEATRICE

      Not till God make men of some other metal than
      earth. Would it not grieve a woman to be
      overmastered with a pierce of valiant dust? to make
55    an account of her life to a clod of wayward marl?
      No, uncle, I'll none: Adam's sons are my brethren;
      and, truly, I hold it a sin to match in my kindred.

LEONATO

Daughter, remember what I told you: if the prince
do solicit you in that kind, you know your answer.

BEATRICE

60    The fault will be in the music, cousin, if you be
      not wooed in good time: if the prince be too
      important, tell him there is measure in every thing
      and so dance out the answer. For, hear me, Hero:
      wooing, wedding, and repenting, is as a Scotch jig,
65    a measure, and a cinque pace: the first suit is hot
      and hasty, like a Scotch jig, and full as
      fantastical; the wedding, mannerly-modest, as a
      measure, full of state and ancientry; and then comes
      repentance and, with his bad legs, falls into the
70    cinque pace faster and faster, till he sink into his grave.

LEONATO

Cousin, you apprehend passing shrewdly.

BEATRICE

I have a good eye, uncle; I can see a church by daylight.

LEONATO

The revellers are entering, brother: make good room.

All put on their masks

Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, BALTHASAR, DON JOHN, BORACHIO, MARGARET, URSULA and others, masked

DON PEDRO

Lady, will you walk about with your friend?

HERO

75 So you walk softly and look sweetly and say nothing,
I am yours for the walk; and especially when I walk away.

DON PEDRO

With me in your company?

HERO

I may say so, when I please.

DON PEDRO

And when please you to say so?

HERO

80 When I like your favour; for God defend the lute
should be like the case!

DON PEDRO

My visor is Philemon's roof; within the house is Jove.

HERO

Why, then, your visor should be thatched.

DON PEDRO

Speak low, if you speak love.

Drawing her aside

BALTHASAR

85 Well, I would you did like me.

MARGARET

So would not I, for your own sake; for I have many
ill-qualities.

BALTHASAR

Which is one?

MARGARET

I say my prayers aloud.

BALTHASAR

90 I love you the better: the hearers may cry, Amen.

MARGARET

God match me with a good dancer!

BALTHASAR

Amen.

MARGARET

And God keep him out of my sight when the dance is
done! Answer, clerk.

BALTHASAR

95 No more words: the clerk is answered.

URSULA

I know you well enough; you are Signior Antonio.

ANTONIO

At a word, I am not.

URSULA

I know you by the waggling of your head.

ANTONIO

To tell you true, I counterfeit him.

URSULA

100   You could never do him so ill-well, unless you were
      the very man. Here's his dry hand up and down: you
      are he, you are he.

ANTONIO

At a word, I am not.

URSULA

      Come, come, do you think I do not know you by your
105   excellent wit? can virtue hide itself? Go to,
      mum, you are he: graces will appear, and there's an
      end.

BEATRICE

Will you not tell me who told you so?

BENEDICK

No, you shall pardon me.

BEATRICE

110 Nor will you not tell me who you are?

BENEDICK

Not now.

BEATRICE

      That I was disdainful, and that I had my good wit
      out of the 'Hundred Merry Tales:'--well this was
      Signior Benedick that said so.

BENEDICK

115 What's he?

BEATRICE

I am sure you know him well enough.

BENEDICK

Not I, believe me.

BEATRICE

Did he never make you laugh?

BENEDICK

I pray you, what is he?

BEATRICE

120   Why, he is the prince's jester: a very dull fool;
      only his gift is in devising impossible slanders:
      none but libertines delight in him; and the
      commendation is not in his wit, but in his villany;
      for he both pleases men and angers them, and then
125   they laugh at him and beat him. I am sure he is in
      the fleet: I would he had boarded me.

BENEDICK

When I know the gentleman, I'll tell him what you say.

BEATRICE

      Do, do: he'll but break a comparison or two on me;
      which, peradventure not marked or not laughed at,
130   strikes him into melancholy; and then there's a
      partridge wing saved, for the fool will eat no
      supper that night.

Music

We must follow the leaders.

BENEDICK

In every good thing.

BEATRICE

135 Nay, if they lead to any ill, I will leave them at
the next turning.

Dance. Then exeunt all except DON JOHN, BORACHIO, and CLAUDIO

DON JOHN

      Sure my brother is amorous on Hero and hath
      withdrawn her father to break with him about it.
      The ladies follow her and but one visor remains.

BORACHIO

140 And that is Claudio: I know him by his bearing.

DON JOHN

Are not you Signior Benedick?

CLAUDIO

You know me well; I am he.

DON JOHN

      Signior, you are very near my brother in his love:
      he is enamoured on Hero; I pray you, dissuade him
145   from her: she is no equal for his birth: you may
      do the part of an honest man in it.

CLAUDIO

How know you he loves her?

DON JOHN

I heard him swear his affection.

BORACHIO

So did I too; and he swore he would marry her to-night.

DON JOHN

150 Come, let us to the banquet.

Exeunt DON JOHN and BORACHIO

CLAUDIO

      Thus answer I in the name of Benedick,
      But hear these ill news with the ears of Claudio.
      'Tis certain so; the prince wooes for himself.
      Friendship is constant in all other things
155   Save in the office and affairs of love:
      Therefore, all hearts in love use their own tongues;
      Let every eye negotiate for itself
      And trust no agent; for beauty is a witch
      Against whose charms faith melteth into blood.
160   This is an accident of hourly proof,
      Which I mistrusted not. Farewell, therefore, Hero!

Re-enter BENEDICK

BENEDICK

Count Claudio?

CLAUDIO

Yea, the same.

BENEDICK

Come, will you go with me?

CLAUDIO

165 Whither?

BENEDICK

      Even to the next willow, about your own business,
      county. What fashion will you wear the garland of?
      about your neck, like an usurer's chain? or under
      your arm, like a lieutenant's scarf? You must wear
170   it one way, for the prince hath got your Hero.

CLAUDIO

I wish him joy of her.

BENEDICK

      Why, that's spoken like an honest drovier: so they
      sell bullocks. But did you think the prince would
      have served you thus?

CLAUDIO

175 I pray you, leave me.

BENEDICK

Ho! now you strike like the blind man: 'twas the
boy that stole your meat, and you'll beat the post.

CLAUDIO

If it will not be, I'll leave you.

Exit

BENEDICK

      Alas, poor hurt fowl! now will he creep into sedges.
180   But that my Lady Beatrice should know me, and not
      know me! The prince's fool! Ha? It may be I go
      under that title because I am merry. Yea, but so I
      am apt to do myself wrong; I am not so reputed: it
      is the base, though bitter, disposition of Beatrice
185   that puts the world into her person and so gives me
      out. Well, I'll be revenged as I may.

Re-enter DON PEDRO

DON PEDRO

Now, signior, where's the count? did you see him?

BENEDICK

      Troth, my lord, I have played the part of Lady Fame.
      I found him here as melancholy as a lodge in a
190   warren: I told him, and I think I told him true,
      that your grace had got the good will of this young
      lady; and I offered him my company to a willow-tree,
      either to make him a garland, as being forsaken, or
      to bind him up a rod, as being worthy to be whipped.

DON PEDRO

195 To be whipped! What's his fault?

BENEDICK

      The flat transgression of a schoolboy, who, being
      overjoyed with finding a birds' nest, shows it his
      companion, and he steals it.

DON PEDRO

Wilt thou make a trust a transgression? The
200 transgression is in the stealer.

BENEDICK

      Yet it had not been amiss the rod had been made,
      and the garland too; for the garland he might have
      worn himself, and the rod he might have bestowed on
      you, who, as I take it, have stolen his birds' nest.

DON PEDRO

205 I will but teach them to sing, and restore them to
the owner.

BENEDICK

If their singing answer your saying, by my faith,
you say honestly.

DON PEDRO

      The Lady Beatrice hath a quarrel to you: the
210   gentleman that danced with her told her she is much
      wronged by you.

BENEDICK

      O, she misused me past the endurance of a block!
      an oak but with one green leaf on it would have
      answered her; my very visor began to assume life and
215   scold with her. She told me, not thinking I had been
      myself, that I was the prince's jester, that I was
      duller than a great thaw; huddling jest upon jest
      with such impossible conveyance upon me that I stood
      like a man at a mark, with a whole army shooting at
220   me. She speaks poniards, and every word stabs:
      if her breath were as terrible as her terminations,
      there were no living near her; she would infect to
      the north star. I would not marry her, though she
      were endowed with all that Adam bad left him before
225   he transgressed: she would have made Hercules have
      turned spit, yea, and have cleft his club to make
      the fire too. Come, talk not of her: you shall find
      her the infernal Ate in good apparel. I would to God
      some scholar would conjure her; for certainly, while
230   she is here, a man may live as quiet in hell as in a
      sanctuary; and people sin upon purpose, because they
      would go thither; so, indeed, all disquiet, horror
      and perturbation follows her.

DON PEDRO

Look, here she comes.

Enter CLAUDIO, BEATRICE, HERO, and LEONATO

BENEDICK

235   Will your grace command me any service to the
      world's end? I will go on the slightest errand now
      to the Antipodes that you can devise to send me on;
      I will fetch you a tooth-picker now from the
      furthest inch of Asia, bring you the length of
240   Prester John's foot, fetch you a hair off the great
      Cham's beard, do you any embassage to the Pigmies,
      rather than hold three words' conference with this
      harpy. You have no employment for me?

DON PEDRO

None, but to desire your good company.

BENEDICK

245 O God, sir, here's a dish I love not: I cannot
endure my Lady Tongue.

Exit

DON PEDRO

Come, lady, come; you have lost the heart of
Signior Benedick.

BEATRICE

      Indeed, my lord, he lent it me awhile; and I gave
250   him use for it, a double heart for his single one:
      marry, once before he won it of me with false dice,
      therefore your grace may well say I have lost it.

DON PEDRO

You have put him down, lady, you have put him down.

BEATRICE

      So I would not he should do me, my lord, lest I
255   should prove the mother of fools. I have brought
      Count Claudio, whom you sent me to seek.

DON PEDRO

Why, how now, count! wherefore are you sad?

CLAUDIO

Not sad, my lord.

DON PEDRO

How then? sick?

CLAUDIO

260 Neither, my lord.

BEATRICE

      The count is neither sad, nor sick, nor merry, nor
      well; but civil count, civil as an orange, and
      something of that jealous complexion.

DON PEDRO

      I' faith, lady, I think your blazon to be true;
265   though, I'll be sworn, if he be so, his conceit is
      false. Here, Claudio, I have wooed in thy name, and
      fair Hero is won: I have broke with her father,
      and his good will obtained: name the day of
      marriage, and God give thee joy!

LEONATO

270   Count, take of me my daughter, and with her my
      fortunes: his grace hath made the match, and an
      grace say Amen to it.

BEATRICE

Speak, count, 'tis your cue.

CLAUDIO

      Silence is the perfectest herald of joy: I were
275   but little happy, if I could say how much. Lady, as
      you are mine, I am yours: I give away myself for
      you and dote upon the exchange.

BEATRICE

Speak, cousin; or, if you cannot, stop his mouth
with a kiss, and let not him speak neither.

DON PEDRO

280 In faith, lady, you have a merry heart.

BEATRICE

      Yea, my lord; I thank it, poor fool, it keeps on
      the windy side of care. My cousin tells him in his
      ear that he is in her heart.

CLAUDIO

And so she doth, cousin.

BEATRICE

285   Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes every one to the
      world but I, and I am sunburnt; I may sit in a
      corner and cry heigh-ho for a husband!

DON PEDRO

Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.

BEATRICE

      I would rather have one of your father's getting.
290   Hath your grace ne'er a brother like you? Your
      father got excellent husbands, if a maid could come by them.

DON PEDRO

Will you have me, lady?

BEATRICE

      No, my lord, unless I might have another for
      working-days: your grace is too costly to wear
295   every day. But, I beseech your grace, pardon me: I
      was born to speak all mirth and no matter.

DON PEDRO

      Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best
      becomes you; for, out of question, you were born in
      a merry hour.

BEATRICE

300   No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then there
      was a star danced, and under that was I born.
      Cousins, God give you joy!

LEONATO

Niece, will you look to those things I told you of?

BEATRICE

I cry you mercy, uncle. By your grace's pardon.

Exit

DON PEDRO

305 By my troth, a pleasant-spirited lady.

LEONATO

      There's little of the melancholy element in her, my
      lord: she is never sad but when she sleeps, and
      not ever sad then; for I have heard my daughter say,
      she hath often dreamed of unhappiness and waked
310   herself with laughing.

DON PEDRO

She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband.

LEONATO

O, by no means: she mocks all her wooers out of suit.

DON PEDRO

She were an excellent wife for Benedict.

LEONATO

O Lord, my lord, if they were but a week married,
315 they would talk themselves mad.

DON PEDRO

County Claudio, when mean you to go to church?

CLAUDIO

To-morrow, my lord: time goes on crutches till love
have all his rites.

LEONATO

      Not till Monday, my dear son, which is hence a just
320   seven-night; and a time too brief, too, to have all
      things answer my mind.

DON PEDRO

      Come, you shake the head at so long a breathing:
      but, I warrant thee, Claudio, the time shall not go
      dully by us. I will in the interim undertake one of
325   Hercules' labours; which is, to bring Signior
      Benedick and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of
      affection the one with the other. I would fain have
      it a match, and I doubt not but to fashion it, if
      you three will but minister such assistance as I
330   shall give you direction.

LEONATO

My lord, I am for you, though it cost me ten
nights' watchings.

CLAUDIO

And I, my lord.

DON PEDRO

And you too, gentle Hero?

HERO

335 I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my
cousin to a good husband.

DON PEDRO

      And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that
      I know. Thus far can I praise him; he is of a noble
      strain, of approved valour and confirmed honesty. I
340   will teach you how to humour your cousin, that she
      shall fall in love with Benedick; and I, with your
      two helps, will so practise on Benedick that, in
      despite of his quick wit and his queasy stomach, he
      shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this,
345   Cupid is no longer an archer: his glory shall be
      ours, for we are the only love-gods. Go in with me,
      and I will tell you my drift.

Exeunt

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