Twelfth Night, or What You Will: ACT I
Introduction ACT I SCENE I. DUKE ORSINO's palace. SCENE II. The sea-coast. SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house. SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace. SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house. ACT II ACT III ACT IV ACT V About the Play Feedback			Search: All the plays Hamlet Coriolanus Julius Caesar King Lear Macbeth Othello Romeo and Juliet Richard II Richard III Titus Andronicus Antony and Cleopatra Timon of Athens Henry IV Part 1 Henry IV Part 2 Henry the Fifth Henry VI Part 1 Henry VI Part 2 Henry VI Part 3 Henry VIII King John Pericles Troilus and Cressida All's Well... As You Like It The Comedy of Errors Cymbeline A Midsummer... Love's Labour's Lost Measure for Measure The Merry Wives... Much Ado about Nothing The Merchant of Venice Twelfth Night The Taming of... The Tempest The Two Gentlemen... The Winter's Tale    for: SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house. Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA SIR TOBY BELCH       What a plague means my niece, to take the death of       her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life. MARIA       By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'       nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great 5     exceptions to your ill hours. SIR TOBY BELCH       Why, let her except, before excepted. MARIA       Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest       limits of order. SIR TOBY BELCH       Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am: 10    these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be       these boots too: an they be not, let them hang       themselves in their own straps. MARIA       That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard       my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish 15    knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer. SIR TOBY BELCH       Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek? MARIA       Ay, he. SIR TOBY BELCH       He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria. MARIA       What's that to the purpose? SIR TOBY BELCH 20    Why, he has three thousand ducats a year. MARIA       Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:       he's a very fool and a prodigal. SIR TOBY BELCH       Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the       viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages 25    word for word without book, and hath all the good       gifts of nature. MARIA       He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that       he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that       he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he 30    hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent       he would quickly have the gift of a grave. SIR TOBY BELCH       By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors       that say so of him. Who are they? MARIA       They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company. SIR TOBY BELCH 35    With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to       her as long as there is a passage in my throat and       drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill       that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn       o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench! 40    Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface. Enter SIR ANDREW SIR ANDREW       Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch! SIR TOBY BELCH       Sweet Sir Andrew! SIR ANDREW       Bless you, fair shrew. MARIA       And you too, sir. SIR TOBY BELCH 45    Accost, Sir Andrew, accost. SIR ANDREW       What's that? SIR TOBY BELCH       My niece's chambermaid. SIR ANDREW       Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance. MARIA       My name is Mary, sir. SIR ANDREW 50    Good Mistress Mary Accost,-- SIR TOBY BELCH       You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board       her, woo her, assail her. SIR ANDREW       By my troth, I would not undertake her in this       company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'? MARIA 55    Fare you well, gentlemen. SIR TOBY BELCH       An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst       never draw sword again. SIR ANDREW       An you part so, mistress, I would I might never       draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have 60    fools in hand? MARIA       Sir, I have not you by the hand. SIR ANDREW       Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand. MARIA       Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring       your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink. SIR ANDREW 65    Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor? MARIA       It's dry, sir. SIR ANDREW       Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can       keep my hand dry. But what's your jest? MARIA       A dry jest, sir. SIR ANDREW 70    Are you full of them? MARIA       Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,       now I let go your hand, I am barren. Exit SIR TOBY BELCH       O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I       see thee so put down? SIR ANDREW 75    Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary       put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit       than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a       great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit. SIR TOBY BELCH       No question. SIR ANDREW 80    An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home       to-morrow, Sir Toby. SIR TOBY BELCH       Pourquoi, my dear knight? SIR ANDREW       What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had       bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in 85    fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but       followed the arts! SIR TOBY BELCH       Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair. SIR ANDREW       Why, would that have mended my hair? SIR TOBY BELCH       Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature. SIR ANDREW 90    But it becomes me well enough, does't not? SIR TOBY BELCH       Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I       hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs       and spin it off. SIR ANDREW       Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece 95    will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one       she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her. SIR TOBY BELCH       She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above       her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I       have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't, 100   man. SIR ANDREW       I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the       strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques       and revels sometimes altogether. SIR TOBY BELCH       Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight? SIR ANDREW 105   As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the       degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare       with an old man. SIR TOBY BELCH       What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight? SIR ANDREW       Faith, I can cut a caper. SIR TOBY BELCH 110   And I can cut the mutton to't. SIR ANDREW       And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong       as any man in Illyria. SIR TOBY BELCH       Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have       these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to 115   take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost       thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in       a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not       so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What       dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? 120   I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy       leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard. SIR ANDREW       Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a       flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels? SIR TOBY BELCH       What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus? SIR ANDREW 125   Taurus! That's sides and heart. SIR TOBY BELCH       No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the       caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent! Exeunt Return to top of page ... or ... Go to next scene