TPTT Twelfth Night, or What You Will: ACT I
Introduction
ACT I
SCENE I. DUKE ORSINO's palace.
SCENE II. The sea-coast.
SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house.
SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace.
SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house.
ACT II
ACT III
ACT IV
ACT V
About the Play
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SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house.
Enter MARIA and Clown
MARIA
      Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will
      not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in
      way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.
Clown
      Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this
5     world needs to fear no colours.
MARIA
      Make that good.
Clown
      He shall see none to fear.
MARIA
      A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that
      saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'
Clown
10    Where, good Mistress Mary?
MARIA
      In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
Clown
      Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those
      that are fools, let them use their talents.
MARIA
      Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or,
15    to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?
Clown
      Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and,
      for turning away, let summer bear it out.
MARIA
      You are resolute, then?
Clown
      Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.
MARIA
20    That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both
      break, your gaskins fall.
Clown
      Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if
      Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a
      piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
MARIA
25    Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my
      lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.
Exit
Clown
      Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!
      Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft
      prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may
30    pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?
      'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.'

Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO

      God bless thee, lady!
OLIVIA
      Take the fool away.
Clown
      Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
OLIVIA
35    Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:
      besides, you grow dishonest.
Clown
      Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel
      will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is
      the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend
40    himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if
      he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing
      that's mended is but patched: virtue that
      transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that
      amends is but patched with virtue. If that this
45    simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,
      what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but
      calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take
      away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
OLIVIA
      Sir, I bade them take away you.
Clown
50    Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non
      facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not
      motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to
      prove you a fool.
OLIVIA
      Can you do it?
Clown
55    Dexterously, good madonna.
OLIVIA
      Make your proof.
Clown
      I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse
      of virtue, answer me.
OLIVIA
      Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.
Clown
60    Good madonna, why mournest thou?
OLIVIA
      Good fool, for my brother's death.
Clown
      I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
OLIVIA
      I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
Clown
      The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's
65    soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
OLIVIA
      What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
MALVOLIO
      Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him:
      infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the
      better fool.
Clown
70    God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the
      better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be
      sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his
      word for two pence that you are no fool.
OLIVIA
      How say you to that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
75    I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a
      barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day
      with an ordinary fool that has no more brain
      than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard
      already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to
80    him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men,
      that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better
      than the fools' zanies.
OLIVIA
      Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste
      with a distempered appetite. To be generous,
85    guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those
      things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets:
      there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do
      nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet
      man, though he do nothing but reprove.
Clown
90    Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou
      speakest well of fools!
Re-enter MARIA
MARIA
      Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much
      desires to speak with you.
OLIVIA
      From the Count Orsino, is it?
MARIA
95    I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.
OLIVIA
      Who of my people hold him in delay?
MARIA
      Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
OLIVIA
      Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but
      madman: fie on him!

Exit MARIA

100   Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I
      am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.

Exit MALVOLIO

      Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and
      people dislike it.
Clown
      Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest
105   son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with
      brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a
      most weak pia mater.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH
OLIVIA
      By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?
SIR TOBY BELCH
      A gentleman.
OLIVIA
110   A gentleman! what gentleman?
SIR TOBY BELCH
      'Tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these
      pickle-herring! How now, sot!
Clown
      Good Sir Toby!
OLIVIA
      Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?
SIR TOBY BELCH
115   Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.
OLIVIA
      Ay, marry, what is he?
SIR TOBY BELCH
      Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give
      me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.
Exit
OLIVIA
      What's a drunken man like, fool?
Clown
120   Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one
      draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads
      him; and a third drowns him.
OLIVIA
      Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my
      coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's
125   drowned: go, look after him.
Clown
      He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look
      to the madman.
Exit
Re-enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
      Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with
      you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to
130   understand so much, and therefore comes to speak
      with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to
      have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore
      comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,
      lady? he's fortified against any denial.
OLIVIA
135   Tell him he shall not speak with me.
MALVOLIO
      Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your
      door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to
      a bench, but he'll speak with you.
OLIVIA
      What kind o' man is he?
MALVOLIO
140   Why, of mankind.
OLIVIA
      What manner of man?
MALVOLIO
      Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.
OLIVIA
      Of what personage and years is he?
MALVOLIO
      Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for
145   a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a
      cooling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him
      in standing water, between boy and man. He is very
      well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one
      would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.
OLIVIA
150   Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.
MALVOLIO
      Gentlewoman, my lady calls.
Exit
Re-enter MARIA
OLIVIA
      Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face.
      We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.
Enter VIOLA, and Attendants
VIOLA
      The honourable lady of the house, which is she?
OLIVIA
155   Speak to me; I shall answer for her.
      Your will?
VIOLA
      Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I
      pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house,
      for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away
160   my speech, for besides that it is excellently well
      penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good
      beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very
      comptible, even to the least sinister usage.
OLIVIA
      Whence came you, sir?
VIOLA
165   I can say little more than I have studied, and that
      question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me
      modest assurance if you be the lady of the house,
      that I may proceed in my speech.
OLIVIA
      Are you a comedian?
VIOLA
170   No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs
      of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you
      the lady of the house?
OLIVIA
      If I do not usurp myself, I am.
VIOLA
      Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp
175   yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours
      to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will
      on with my speech in your praise, and then show you
      the heart of my message.
OLIVIA
      Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise.
VIOLA
180   Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.
OLIVIA
      It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you,
      keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates,
      and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you
      than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if
185   you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of
      moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.
MARIA
      Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.
VIOLA
      No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little
      longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet
190   lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.
OLIVIA
      Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when
      the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.
VIOLA
      It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of
      war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my
195   hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter.
OLIVIA
      Yet you began rudely. What are you? what would you?
VIOLA
      The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I
      learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I
      would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears,
200   divinity, to any other's, profanation.
OLIVIA
      Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.

Exeunt MARIA and Attendants

      Now, sir, what is your text?
VIOLA
      Most sweet lady,--
OLIVIA
      A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it.
205   Where lies your text?
VIOLA
      In Orsino's bosom.
OLIVIA
      In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?
VIOLA
      To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.
OLIVIA
      O, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you no more to say?
VIOLA
210   Good madam, let me see your face.
OLIVIA
      Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate
      with my face? You are now out of your text: but
      we will draw the curtain and show you the picture.
      Look you, sir, such a one I was this present: is't
215   not well done?
Unveiling
VIOLA
      Excellently done, if God did all.
OLIVIA
      'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather.
VIOLA
      'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
      Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on:
220   Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive,
      If you will lead these graces to the grave
      And leave the world no copy.
OLIVIA
      O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give
      out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be
225   inventoried, and every particle and utensil
      labelled to my will: as, item, two lips,
      indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to
      them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were
      you sent hither to praise me?
VIOLA
230   I see you what you are, you are too proud;
      But, if you were the devil, you are fair.
      My lord and master loves you: O, such love
      Could be but recompensed, though you were crown'd
      The nonpareil of beauty!
OLIVIA
235   How does he love me?
VIOLA
      With adorations, fertile tears,
      With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.
OLIVIA
      Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him:
      Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,
240   Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;
      In voices well divulged, free, learn'd and valiant;
      And in dimension and the shape of nature
      A gracious person: but yet I cannot love him;
      He might have took his answer long ago.
VIOLA
245   If I did love you in my master's flame,
      With such a suffering, such a deadly life,
      In your denial I would find no sense;
      I would not understand it.
OLIVIA
      Why, what would you?
VIOLA
250   Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
      And call upon my soul within the house;
      Write loyal cantons of contemned love
      And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
      Halloo your name to the reverberate hills
255   And make the babbling gossip of the air
      Cry out 'Olivia!' O, You should not rest
      Between the elements of air and earth,
      But you should pity me!
OLIVIA
      You might do much.
260   What is your parentage?
VIOLA
      Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
      I am a gentleman.
OLIVIA
      Get you to your lord;
      I cannot love him: let him send no more;
265   Unless, perchance, you come to me again,
      To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well:
      I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.
VIOLA
      I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse:
      My master, not myself, lacks recompense.
270   Love make his heart of flint that you shall love;
      And let your fervor, like my master's, be
      Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty.
Exit
OLIVIA
      'What is your parentage?'
      'Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
275   I am a gentleman.' I'll be sworn thou art;
      Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions and spirit,
      Do give thee five-fold blazon: not too fast:
      soft, soft!
      Unless the master were the man. How now!
280   Even so quickly may one catch the plague?
      Methinks I feel this youth's perfections
      With an invisible and subtle stealth
      To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.
      What ho, Malvolio!
Re-enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
285   Here, madam, at your service.
OLIVIA
      Run after that same peevish messenger,
      The county's man: he left this ring behind him,
      Would I or not: tell him I'll none of it.
      Desire him not to flatter with his lord,
290   Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him:
      If that the youth will come this way to-morrow,
      I'll give him reasons for't: hie thee, Malvolio.
MALVOLIO
      Madam, I will.
Exit
OLIVIA
      I do I know not what, and fear to find
295   Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.
      Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe;
      What is decreed must be, and be this so.
Exit
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