Twelfth Night, or What You Will: ACT II , SCENE III. OLIVIA's house.

Twelfth Night, or What You Will: ACT II


	Introduction

	ACT I

	ACT II

		SCENE I. The sea-coast.

		SCENE II. A street.

		SCENE III. OLIVIA's house.

		SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace.

		SCENE V. OLIVIA's garden.

	ACT III

	ACT IV

	ACT V

	About the Play

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SCENE III. OLIVIA's house.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW

SIR TOBY BELCH

      Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be abed after
      midnight is to be up betimes; and 'diluculo
      surgere,' thou know'st,--

SIR ANDREW

Nay, my troth, I know not: but I know, to be up
5 late is to be up late.

SIR TOBY BELCH

      A false conclusion: I hate it as an unfilled can.
      To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is
      early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go
      to bed betimes. Does not our life consist of the
10    four elements?

SIR ANDREW

Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consists
of eating and drinking.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Thou'rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.
Marian, I say! a stoup of wine!

Enter Clown

SIR ANDREW

15 Here comes the fool, i' faith.

Clown

How now, my hearts! did you never see the picture
of 'we three'?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Welcome, ass. Now let's have a catch.

SIR ANDREW

      By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I
20    had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg,
      and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In
      sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last
      night, when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the
      Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus: 'twas
25    very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy
      leman: hadst it?

Clown

      I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio's nose
      is no whipstock: my lady has a white hand, and the
      Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.

SIR ANDREW

30 Excellent! why, this is the best fooling, when all
is done. Now, a song.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.

SIR ANDREW

There's a testril of me too: if one knight give a--

Clown

Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?

SIR TOBY BELCH

35 A love-song, a love-song.

SIR ANDREW

Ay, ay: I care not for good life.

Clown

      O mistress mine, where are you roaming?
      O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,
40    That can sing both high and low:
      Trip no further, pretty sweeting;
      Journeys end in lovers meeting,
      Every wise man's son doth know.

SIR ANDREW

Excellent good, i' faith.

SIR TOBY BELCH

45 Good, good.

Clown

      What is love? 'tis not hereafter;
      Present mirth hath present laughter;
      What's to come is still unsure:
50    In delay there lies no plenty;
      Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,
      Youth's a stuff will not endure.

SIR ANDREW

A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.

SIR TOBY BELCH

A contagious breath.

SIR ANDREW

55 Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.

SIR TOBY BELCH

      To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion.
      But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? shall we
      rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three
      souls out of one weaver? shall we do that?

SIR ANDREW

60 An you love me, let's do't: I am dog at a catch.

Clown

By'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.

SIR ANDREW

Most certain. Let our catch be, 'Thou knave.'

Clown

'Hold thy peace, thou knave,' knight? I shall be
constrained in't to call thee knave, knight.

SIR ANDREW

65 'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to
call me knave. Begin, fool: it begins 'Hold thy peace.'

Clown

I shall never begin if I hold my peace.

SIR ANDREW

Good, i' faith. Come, begin.

Catch sung

Enter MARIA

MARIA

      What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady
70    have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him
      turn you out of doors, never trust me.

SIR TOBY BELCH

      My lady's a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio's
      a Peg-a-Ramsey, and 'Three merry men be we.' Am not
      I consanguineous? am I not of her blood?
75    Tillyvally. Lady!

Sings

'There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'

Clown

Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.

SIR ANDREW

      Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do
      I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it
80    more natural.

SIR TOBY BELCH

(Sings) 'O, the twelfth day of December,'--

MARIA

For the love o' God, peace!

Enter MALVOLIO

MALVOLIO

      My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have ye
      no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like
85    tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an
      alehouse of my lady's house, that ye squeak out your
      coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse
      of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor
      time in you?

SIR TOBY BELCH

90 We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!

MALVOLIO

      Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me
      tell you, that, though she harbours you as her
      kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders. If
      you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you
95    are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please
      you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid
      you farewell.

SIR TOBY BELCH

'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'

MARIA

Nay, good Sir Toby.

Clown

100 'His eyes do show his days are almost done.'

MALVOLIO

Is't even so?

SIR TOBY BELCH

'But I will never die.'

Clown

Sir Toby, there you lie.

MALVOLIO

This is much credit to you.

SIR TOBY BELCH

105 'Shall I bid him go?'

Clown

'What an if you do?'

SIR TOBY BELCH

'Shall I bid him go, and spare not?'

Clown

'O no, no, no, no, you dare not.'

SIR TOBY BELCH

      Out o' tune, sir: ye lie. Art any more than a
110   steward? Dost thou think, because thou art
      virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?

Clown

Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' the
mouth too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Thou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with
115 crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!

MALVOLIO

      Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at any
      thing more than contempt, you would not give means
      for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand.

Exit

MARIA

Go shake your ears.

SIR ANDREW

120   'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's
      a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to
      break promise with him and make a fool of him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll
deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.

MARIA

125   Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the
      youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is
      much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me
      alone with him: if I do not gull him into a
      nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not
130   think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed:
      I know I can do it.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.

MARIA

Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.

SIR ANDREW

O, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!

SIR TOBY BELCH

135 What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason,
dear knight?

SIR ANDREW

I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason
good enough.

MARIA

      The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing
140   constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass,
      that cons state without book and utters it by great
      swarths: the best persuaded of himself, so
      crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is
      his grounds of faith that all that look on him love
145   him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find
      notable cause to work.

SIR TOBY BELCH

What wilt thou do?

MARIA

      I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of
      love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape
150   of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure
      of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find
      himself most feelingly personated. I can write very
      like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we
      can hardly make distinction of our hands.

SIR TOBY BELCH

155 Excellent! I smell a device.

SIR ANDREW

I have't in my nose too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

      He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,
      that they come from my niece, and that she's in
      love with him.

MARIA

160 My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.

SIR ANDREW

And your horse now would make him an ass.

MARIA

Ass, I doubt not.

SIR ANDREW

O, 'twill be admirable!

MARIA

      Sport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic will
165   work with him. I will plant you two, and let the
      fool make a third, where he shall find the letter:
      observe his construction of it. For this night, to
      bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.

Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

Good night, Penthesilea.

SIR ANDREW

170 Before me, she's a good wench.

SIR TOBY BELCH

She's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me:
what o' that?

SIR ANDREW

I was adored once too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for
175 more money.

SIR ANDREW

If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Send for money, knight: if thou hast her not i'
the end, call me cut.

SIR ANDREW

If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.

SIR TOBY BELCH

180 Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late
to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight.

Exeunt

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