Twelfth Night, or What You Will: ACT IV
Introduction ACT I ACT II ACT III ACT IV SCENE I. Before OLIVIA's house. SCENE II. OLIVIA's house. SCENE III. OLIVIA's garden. ACT V About the Play Feedback			Search: All the plays Hamlet Coriolanus Julius Caesar King Lear Macbeth Othello Romeo and Juliet Richard II Richard III Titus Andronicus Antony and Cleopatra Timon of Athens Henry IV Part 1 Henry IV Part 2 Henry the Fifth Henry VI Part 1 Henry VI Part 2 Henry VI Part 3 Henry VIII King John Pericles Troilus and Cressida All's Well... As You Like It The Comedy of Errors Cymbeline A Midsummer... Love's Labour's Lost Measure for Measure The Merry Wives... Much Ado about Nothing The Merchant of Venice Twelfth Night The Taming of... The Tempest The Two Gentlemen... The Winter's Tale    for: SCENE II. OLIVIA's house. Enter MARIA and Clown MARIA       Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;       make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do       it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst. Exit Clown       Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself 5     in't; and I would I were the first that ever       dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to       become the function well, nor lean enough to be       thought a good student; but to be said an honest man       and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a 10    careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter. Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA SIR TOBY BELCH       Jove bless thee, master Parson. Clown       Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of       Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily       said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;' 15    so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,       what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'? SIR TOBY BELCH       To him, Sir Topas. Clown       What, ho, I say! peace in this prison! SIR TOBY BELCH       The knave counterfeits well; a good knave. MALVOLIO 20    (Within) Who calls there? Clown       Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio       the lunatic. MALVOLIO       Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady. Clown       Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! 25    talkest thou nothing but of ladies? SIR TOBY BELCH       Well said, Master Parson. MALVOLIO       Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir       Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me       here in hideous darkness. Clown 30    Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most       modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones       that will use the devil himself with courtesy:       sayest thou that house is dark? MALVOLIO       As hell, Sir Topas. Clown 35    Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,       and the clearstores toward the south north are as       lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of       obstruction? MALVOLIO       I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark. Clown 40    Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness       but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than       the Egyptians in their fog. MALVOLIO       I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though       ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there 45    was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you       are: make the trial of it in any constant question. Clown       What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl? MALVOLIO       That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird. Clown       What thinkest thou of his opinion? MALVOLIO 50    I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion. Clown       Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:       thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will       allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest       thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well. MALVOLIO 55    Sir Topas, Sir Topas! SIR TOBY BELCH       My most exquisite Sir Topas! Clown       Nay, I am for all waters. MARIA       Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and       gown: he sees thee not. SIR TOBY BELCH 60    To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how       thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this       knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I       would he were, for I am now so far in offence with       my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this 65    sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber. Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA Clown       'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,       Tell me how thy lady does.' MALVOLIO       Fool! Clown 70    'My lady is unkind, perdy.' MALVOLIO       Fool! Clown       'Alas, why is she so?' MALVOLIO       Fool, I say! Clown       'She loves another'--Who calls, ha? MALVOLIO 75    Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my       hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:       as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to       thee for't. Clown       Master Malvolio? MALVOLIO 80    Ay, good fool. Clown       Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits? MALVOLIO       Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I       am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art. Clown       But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no 85    better in your wits than a fool. MALVOLIO       They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,       send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to       face me out of my wits. Clown       Advise you what you say; the minister is here. 90    Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!       endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain       bibble babble. MALVOLIO       Sir Topas! Clown       Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, 95    sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.       Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will. MALVOLIO       Fool, fool, fool, I say! Clown       Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am       shent for speaking to you. MALVOLIO 100   Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I       tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria. Clown       Well-a-day that you were, sir MALVOLIO       By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and       light; and convey what I will set down to my lady: 105   it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing       of letter did. Clown       I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you       not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit? MALVOLIO       Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true. Clown 110   Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his       brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink. MALVOLIO       Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I       prithee, be gone. Clown 115   I am gone, sir,       And anon, sir,       I'll be with you again,       In a trice,       Like to the old Vice, 120   Your need to sustain;       Who, with dagger of lath,       In his rage and his wrath,       Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:       Like a mad lad, 125   Pare thy nails, dad;       Adieu, good man devil. Exit Return to top of page ... or ... Go to next scene