TPTT The History of Troilus and Cressida: ACT II
Introduction
PROLOGUE
ACT I
ACT II
SCENE I. A part of the Grecian camp.
SCENE II. Troy. A room in Priam's palace.
SCENE III. The Grecian camp. Before Achilles' tent.
ACT III
ACT IV
ACT V
About the Play
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SCENE I. A part of the Grecian camp.
Enter AJAX and THERSITES
AJAX
      Thersites!
THERSITES
      Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over,
      generally?
AJAX
      Thersites!
THERSITES
5     And those boils did run? say so: did not the
      general run then? were not that a botchy core?
AJAX
      Dog!
THERSITES
      Then would come some matter from him; I see none now.
AJAX
      Thou bitch-wolf's son, canst thou not hear?

Beating him

10    Feel, then.
THERSITES
      The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel
      beef-witted lord!
AJAX
      Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I will
      beat thee into handsomeness.
THERSITES
15    I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but,
      I think, thy horse will sooner con an oration than
      thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike,
      canst thou? a red murrain o' thy jade's tricks!
AJAX
      Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
THERSITES
20    Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?
AJAX
      The proclamation!
THERSITES
      Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
AJAX
      Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch.
THERSITES
      I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had
25    the scratching of thee; I would make thee the
      loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth in
      the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another.
AJAX
      I say, the proclamation!
THERSITES
      Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles,
30    and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as
      Cerberus is at Proserpine's beauty, ay, that thou
      barkest at him.
AJAX
      Mistress Thersites!
THERSITES
      Thou shouldest strike him.
AJAX
35    Cobloaf!
THERSITES
      He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a
      sailor breaks a biscuit.
AJAX
      (Beating him) You whoreson cur!
THERSITES
      Do, do.
AJAX
40    Thou stool for a witch!
THERSITES
      Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no
      more brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinego
      may tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou art
      here but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought and
45    sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave.
      If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and
      tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no
      bowels, thou!
AJAX
      You dog!
THERSITES
50    You scurvy lord!
AJAX
      (Beating him) You cur!
THERSITES
      Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS
ACHILLES
      Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now,
      Thersites! what's the matter, man?
THERSITES
55    You see him there, do you?
ACHILLES
      Ay; what's the matter?
THERSITES
      Nay, look upon him.
ACHILLES
      So I do: what's the matter?
THERSITES
      Nay, but regard him well.
ACHILLES
60    'Well!' why, I do so.
THERSITES
      But yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever you
      take him to be, he is Ajax.
ACHILLES
      I know that, fool.
THERSITES
      Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
AJAX
65    Therefore I beat thee.
THERSITES
      Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his
      evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his
      brain more than he has beat my bones: I will buy
      nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not
70    worth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord,
      Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and
      his guts in his head, I'll tell you what I say of
      him.
ACHILLES
      What?
THERSITES
75    I say, this Ajax--
Ajax offers to beat him
ACHILLES
      Nay, good Ajax.
THERSITES
      Has not so much wit--
ACHILLES
      Nay, I must hold you.
THERSITES
      As will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom he
80    comes to fight.
ACHILLES
      Peace, fool!
THERSITES
      I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will
      not: he there: that he: look you there.
AJAX
      O thou damned cur! I shall--
ACHILLES
85    Will you set your wit to a fool's?
THERSITES
      No, I warrant you; for a fools will shame it.
PATROCLUS
      Good words, Thersites.
ACHILLES
      What's the quarrel?
AJAX
      I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the
90    proclamation, and he rails upon me.
THERSITES
      I serve thee not.
AJAX
      Well, go to, go to.
THERSITES
      I serve here voluntarily.
ACHILLES
      Your last service was sufferance, 'twas not
95    voluntary: no man is beaten voluntary: Ajax was
      here the voluntary, and you as under an impress.
THERSITES
      E'en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your
      sinews, or else there be liars. Hector have a great
      catch, if he knock out either of your brains: a'
100   were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel.
ACHILLES
      What, with me too, Thersites?
THERSITES
      There's Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy
      ere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you
      like draught-oxen and make you plough up the wars.
ACHILLES
105   What, what?
THERSITES
      Yes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to!
AJAX
      I shall cut out your tongue.
THERSITES
      'Tis no matter! I shall speak as much as thou
      afterwards.
PATROCLUS
110   No more words, Thersites; peace!
THERSITES
      I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall I?
ACHILLES
      There's for you, Patroclus.
THERSITES
      I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I come
      any more to your tents: I will keep where there is
115   wit stirring and leave the faction of fools.
Exit
PATROCLUS
      A good riddance.
ACHILLES
      Marry, this, sir, is proclaim'd through all our host:
      That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
      Will with a trumpet 'twixt our tents and Troy
120   To-morrow morning call some knight to arms
      That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare
      Maintain--I know not what: 'tis trash. Farewell.
AJAX
      Farewell. Who shall answer him?
ACHILLES
      I know not: 'tis put to lottery; otherwise
125   He knew his man.
AJAX
      O, meaning you. I will go learn more of it.
Exeunt
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